Soft Kitty Warm Kitty
by Hetahomostuck
Summary: This is a problem. I expected this to be a simple plan: get to the Strider's, stay about a month, then turn back to normal. That's it. But no, that stupid dog... That STUPID, STUPID DOG! And Jake fucking English too... My name is John Egbert, and I'm are in a rather fuzzy situation. This turns out to be more of an adventure than I expected...
1. And it all begins

Soft Kitty Warm Kitty

Sup? The name's Dave Strider. Today ain't a special day, no not at all. In fact, I'm just chilling on the couch waiting for Bro to return home from...

Whatever the fuck he does...

Me and my best bro/possible crush had gotten into a major-ass fight last week that I totally didn't start. Totally... It was a week ago, and I haven't heard from him since. I tried contacting him earlier, but he had no response. Now I'm kinda worried about his safety... I'm more than sure that he won't respond to my messages so I guess I'll just ask Rose. Y'know, cause Rose is dope.

Show Pesterlog:

**turntechgodhead began pestering tentacletherapist.**

TG: Yo Rose.

TT: Oh hello Dave. How may I help you?

TG: have you contacted John lately? I haven't heard from him in a whole week and I'm starting to worry. he can't be that mad at me... can he?

TT: Dave, I sincerely apologize, but I haven't heard from John in a while. He's probably okay, though. Maybe you should ask Jade. She's been pretty flighty for some reason.

TG: thanks. I'll talk to her right now. peace.

TT: Goodbye, Strider.

**turntechgodhead ceased pestering tentacletherapist.**

I would be asking Jade if Bro hadn't barged into the house holding many bags labeled "PetCo" and a cat carrier. He also has a bag of Doritos.

I just give him this look.

"So..." I say. "Whatchya got there?"

He holds up the bag of chips and says "Doritos. Why?"

I have given up in trying to make sense of my brother. Everything he does comes without explanation and never makes any sense whatsoever. He sets the carrier down and urges the creature within calmly. "Come on out, little man. Don't be scared."

Curious, I crouch down next to Bro to see what mysterious demon beast he brought in. I really hope it isn't another fuckin puppy. The previous one was terribly disobedient and got run over by a car just because it wanted to be obnoxious. Either that, or it was incredibly stupid.

But enough nonsense about dogs, for the demon beast that Bro brought in is...

A very adorable kitten.

I fell in love with it as soon as I saw those large baby blue eyes. This kitten actually vaguely reminds me of someone, but I can't quite put your finger on it. The cat has familiar looking black fur splotches upon white with a fur design under its eyes that resemble square shaped glasses. Its long tail trails behind it, twitching excitedly and three buck teeth protrude out of its fuzzy mouth. I find this a little odd, but cute.

"What's her name?" I ask. Of course, Bro responds in his usual sarcastic manner. "HIS name can be whatever you want, sweetheart."

Rollin my fuckin eyes. So it's a boy. I totally knew that. Totally. I look down at this kitten and say, "I can't really think of a name... But if I had to call you anything, it would be Biscuit."

The cat tilts his head to the side, but accepts the name, meowing happily. Then I notice something especially odd about this cat, though... Its collar had a VERY familiar slime monster looking thing. I swear to God that you've seen that before. I decide to ignore it, picking up Biscuit. "Wow... You are so fucking cute."

"Yes, but he doesn't smell very cute. How about you give that cat a bath and I'll set up his equipment and toys." Bro starts setting up the litter box. Biscuit stares at the box like it's infected with the plague. I smile and carry him to the bathroom, humming along the way. Biscuit's pretty calm as well.

That is, until I shut the door.

This is where his inner demon beast kicks in. I try to put him down on the floor, but his claws dig very deep into my skin, clinging on to me like a koala bear. Giving up, I just start the water, then attempt to pry him off of my god damn chest. Biscuit hisses and spits and scratches and kicks, but I'm much more powerful than a stupid cat.

"Someone's a stubborn little asshole!" I exclaim. Shit this cat is tough... I attempt to throw Biscuit into the water, but fail when he latches on to my arm. I start swinging my arm to get him off of you, but to no avail. Suddenly, Biscuit attacks my fuckin face and I see nothing but a blur of fur and claws. For a little tiny kitten, he's exceptionally fierce. I back up in my steps in confusion and pain until I harshly hit myself against the bathroom door. I try to go the opposite way, hopping on one leg as Biscuit attacks the other. The next thing I know, I find yourself slipping on some water that had overflowed from the bathtub and falling backwards into said cleaning container. Biscuit is finally in the water, and had calmed down because of its comforting warmth.

I groan as the cat happily swam about. Cleaning animals is a bitch job and I hate it...

After a bit of hassle, I finally start cleaning the cat. He freezes with an awkward face as I lather (okay lather sounds kinda weird but it's what I fuckin did) him in soap and pet shampoo. When I get to cleaning his lower half of the body, he turns into a demon beast again, splashing and scratching, just like before. After cleaning his stinky butt and vital areas, I unplug the bathtub (I stopped the water a while ago) and take the little kitten out. I wrap him with a towel and take him out. We are both soaking wet and I am quite tired of Biscuit already. I dry off the cat in your room and smile when his fur poofs up. Biscuit glares at me and I just burst out laughing. Maybe the little demon beast will be an enjoyable addition to this fucked up family.

Later that night, I lay in bed next to Biscuit. Bro told me not to do that because fleas, but whatever. He purrs as I pet him and scratch him behind the ear. Then I look at the cat and say, "You know, ever since my friend and I got into that argument last week, I've been trying to talk to him and he won't answer! I really miss him... Seriously, I just wanna personally fly over to Washington and find him. Then I want to punch him in the face for ignoring me. Then I'll apologize and we will make up. I know you can't understand, but I really, really want him back. He doesn't even know how much I love him..."

The cat tilts its head to the side and, realizing how that sounded, I quickly correct myself. "AS A FRIEND! Don't get the wrong idea there, buddy. But, if John ever talks to me again, I wanna apologize a million times for whatever I said that offended him and I want him back... Do you understand, Biscuit?"

Biscuit stares at me and meows. I just sigh and turn away, pulling the covers over myself. "Figures. Well, goodnight, Biscuit."

We sit there in a moment of silence; the only thing that could be heard was Biscuit's purring. I feel the bed shift slightly and then I feel something incredibly soft on my back. The purring grows louder and I feel as if this cat actually understands me.

I feel like this cat is my best friend.

END OF CHAPTER 1


	2. Attempt to Convince

Hi there! I'm John Egbert, and boy, am I in a predicament! I shouldn't have agreed to visit Jade that day… I shouldn't have let her stupid dog teleport me to her stupid island just so I could help her get rid of a couple of stupid sea trolls. Why does this always happen to me? I lie there on the apartment floor. Dave is petting me on the head while he drinks some apple juice. He's watching some lame reality TV show to wait for his brother's return. Apparently Bro is out to get some ice cream. I sure hope so…

Come to think of it, I probably can't eat ice cream... I hate being a cat...

I suddenly have to use the bathroom. Sadly enough, I am a cat, and I have no access to the bathroom. I'm surely not going to go in a box. Even as a cat, I have standards. I did have to use the litter box at the pet shop, though. One can't hold it for a full week.

And the workers wondered why I was so grumpy. Wouldn't you be grumpy if you had to poop in a box?

So anyway, I have to use the bathroom. What the fuck do I do?

Ask the Strider kid to open the door

I can't talk, but I could try. I trot over to the bathroom door and paw at it. Dave looks at me and laughs. "That's the bathroom, Biscuit. You have a litter box, remember?"

Oh I remember, alright. I meow and try again. This time, Dave stares at me, confused. I meow one more time and attempt to reach the doorknob. Not even close. It was worth a shot. Dave gets up from the floor and walks over to the bathroom door, opening it. "I don't know what you want, cat. I'm pretty sure it's not another bath…" I ignore him and make my way to the toilet. The seat is up so that makes things more or less convenient. I climb up on the toilet and stare at Dave.

I'm basically telling him to get the fuck out.

Dave seems to understand and says, "Oh, so you use a toilet. I can totally understand, bro. What idiot poops in a box, anyway? I guess I'll let you be, then." He leaves the bathroom so I can go in peace.

Oh, now be the Strider Kid!

We are now the Strider kid.

And by that, I mean Bro.

I'm stridin down the street with a box of ice cream when I go to my Smart Car. I'm not exactly sure why you bought a Smart Car. Probably just because it's gas-efficient. I'm kinda starting to hate it... I think I might seeelllllohmygod.

It caught on fire. This is what I get for having flammable material in the Texas spring heat. Well, shit.

The ice cream's gonna melt.

Be the other Strider kid. Besides, Bro's not even a kid

Please, he will always be a kid. He's Bro for Pete's sake! AND THE STRIDER KID WOULD APPRECIATE IT IF YOU'D CALL HIM BY HIS FIRST NAME.

Dave. Dave is my name. SOME people should remember that. I am quite curious about this cat. He behaves so much like a human. And I'm not sure whether or not that's a good thing. I hear the toilet flush from the bathroom and watch Biscuit walk out with his head in the air.

What a weird-ass cat…

It's dinner time and Bro is home. He's not much of a cook, so it's usually take-out pizza. Surprisingly enough, he actually bothered to cook something. It was just chicken but he tried. I'm about to eat when Biscuit whines. I turn and look down to see him sitting on the floor next to my chair. He purrs and begs. I'm not taking any of his bullshit. "No way, get your own food! You have a whole bowl full! Why don't you eat that?" Biscuit stares at me and blinks. I just shove him away with my foot and take a bite out of my chicken. Biscuit walks away, rather disgruntled. I smile triumphantly, taking another bite. And suddenly…

_*SWOOSH POW!*_

I feel the excruciating pain of a cat bowl harshly hitting me in the head. Bro stops eating, wide eyed and quite surprised. He suddenly starts laughing as if he just now processed what happened. I'm still seeing fucking stars, but growl under my breath, still holding onto consciousness. Bro falls off of his chair laughing, and pretty soon after he's violently choking. Haha, the asshole deserves it.

I turn towards the general direction of where Biscuit's food bowl used to be. He just sits there, glaring at me. The pain numbs a little and all I can say is, "How the fuck did you…?"

It almost seems as if Biscuit smirked at me. He walks up to me, and hops on your lap. I spend the next twenty minutes watching the cat eat, dumbfounded, as Bro coughs and hacks.

After some organizing and pain killers, I'm bored as fuck. I have this laser light that Bro bought earlier, but Biscuit is nowhere to be found. Oh wait there he is.

He emerges from the bathroom and stares at me. I look at the laser. Then I look at him and grin.

I light up the laser and the dot appears in front of Biscuit. Biscuit stares at the light. I spin it around a bit in hopes that Biscuit is not smart enough to know he can't catch the laser. Biscuit just looks at me and shakes his head. I chuckle. "Yeah, I know. You're too smart to be entertaining."

Biscuit gets up on my lap and swats the laser out of my hand. I frown at him and almost protest when he puts a paw on my lips. We sit there in an awkward silence as Biscuit purrs. And suddenly, he swats off my glasses.

"HEY!"

Biscuit snickers and darts off to my room. I sigh, and get out my iPhone. I remembered that I totally forgot to tell the girls that I got a cat. I start with Rose. She is more of a cat person than Jade, after all.

**Turntechgodhead began pestering tentacletherapist**

TG: rose i got a cat.

TT: Is that so?

TG: yes. and hes a total smartass.

TT: He sounds nice. What does he look like?

You look around and remember that Biscuit ran off. You decide to go by memory.

TG: well

TG: hes really furry. like really furry, yo. hes white with brown splotches and shit. and he has the largest blue eyes that make me want to puke rainbows. plus, hes got these wicked buck teeth that kinda remind me of john.

TT: Hmm.

TG: hmm? that's all you gotta say?

TT: He sounds like an adorable kitten.

TG: damn straight.

TT: Well I have to go. My mom is passed out drunk and I have to carry her ass back to bed.

TG: your mom is a trip, you know that?

TT: I am very aware. Goodbye David.

**Tentacletherapist disconnected.**

Checking the time, I realize that school is tomorrow and it's time for bed. Jade will have to wait.

Be Egdork

The fuck is up with all of these silly-ass names just call us by our actual names! I'm lying at the foot of the bed as my best friend/owner sleeps. I have proven to them that I am as smart as a human. Maybe if I keep it up, they will come to their senses and connect the dots. Then they will realize that I'm not really a cat and possibly help me. Or they might just treat me like a human instead of some pet that's just supposed to sit there and look cute.

Yeah... That sounds nice...


	3. Heart Smashing and Pizza Slicing

**Yo what's up? I love all of your follows and favorites and reviews! Yeah, you want me to just get on with the story, huh?**

**Your wish is my command.**

Be John

What are you talking about? I've always been John. Anyways, I have been left at home with Dave. The two of us are sitting there on the living room couch (which is probably the comfiest thing you've ever been on I mean seriously that thing is like a cloud) watching some crappy reality TV shows. Of course, neither of us is really paying attention to them. Dave is playing some racecar app on his iPhone while my thoughts drift off to other places. I notice Dave closing the app on his Apple device and suddenly freaking out.

"Shit, I forgot to talk to Jade!" He opens up Pesterchum and I sit up on his lap to see what the conversation would be like.

Will Jade tell the truth about my furry little problem? Or will she chicken out of telling Dave and just say everything's fine. My money's on the latter, although I desperately hope for the former.

**Turntechgodhead began pestering gardengnostic**

TG: jade.

GG: Yes, David?

TG: why the fuck do you girls call me david? you can call me dave, it's not illegal.

GG: what's wrong with calling you David?

TG: it makes me uncomfortable you guys are my friends you're supposed to just call me dave. it's like when a parent calls you by your full name and you're just like "oh shit i'm in so much trouble" and then you like slowly just walk out of your room and give them these guilty puppy eyes and hope you don't have to go to bed with a sore ass.

TG: i don't have parents but it works the same with bro.

TG: he'd be all like "david fucking strider get your ass over here this instant"

TG: and i'm like "yo what the fuck did I do this time?"

GG: I thought your full name was "David Elizabeth Strider".

TG: don't you fucking push it I will never respond to that name. ever.

GG: yeah, whatever. So what did you message me about in the first place?

TG: oh yeah, I meant to tell you that I got a new pet cat.

TG: he's really awesome he doesn't even poop in a litter box he just uses the toilet.

TG: he barely even looks a year old.

TG: I wonder who trained him…

I wish you could talk so I could point out that I trained myself. Well, actually Dad potty trained me, but that's not the point. I continue to read the conversation.

GG: oh…

GG: could you possibly tell me about the appearance of this cat?

TG: sure thing.

TG: he's got these disturbingly adorable large blue eyes

TG: and he has white fur with brown patches all over him and this weird design on his face that looks like square rimmed glasses

TG: and his fur is incredibly soft.

TG: it's like human hair with really good conditioner. this cat is amazing.

I do use good conditioner.

GG: this cat wouldn't happen to have buck teeth and a slime monster collar, would it?

TG: well, yeah, it kinda does. Why?

GG: um

GG: no reason

GG: do you like being with this cat?

TG: what kind of question is that?

TG: of course i do, this cat is my new best friend.

GG: what about John? Isn't he still your friend?

TG: meh

TG: i kinda got over him. he wouldn't talk to me so clearly he doesn't want to be friends

TG: anymore…

I see a tear roll down Dave's cheek. Damn now really wish I could talk now. I don't want to see my best friend cry… I just want to tell him everything. I wanna tell him about how I desperately want to be friends again and how I wish he'd recognize me and how much I love him.

Love him?

I push that last thought out of my mind and keep reading.

TG: look, jade i gotta go.

GG: ok, bye Dave!

**turntechGodhead ceased pestering gardenGnostic.**

I watch as Dave sighs, removing his sunglasses. He has the prettiest red eyes. They're like a ruby in the sunlight. So pretty...

Shit did that just cross my mind?

I seriously need to stop. I can't have a crush on my best friend. I'm not a homosexual.

Well, maybe I am….

…

Nah…

Dave is now silently sobbing on the couch, and I have no idea what to do. I decide that curling up next to him with a comforting purr would help. This cheers him up immensely. He stops crying and smiles a little.

"You know what, Biscuit? I don't need him! I don't need anyone! I don't need that dumb nerd and his friendly attitude! I don't even need these stupid glasses he gave me!"

Wait no Dave don't-

I'm genuinely devastated when he takes the glasses and throws them on the ground. Good thing they didn't break…

Not that it would make a difference, for Dave is now stomping on them and crushing them under his sneakers. That loud, sickening _"CRACK" _makes me wince. The sunglasses are now just a pile of high quality plastic and darkened glass.

Wow why do I feel like he ripped out my heart and stomped on it...?

Dave grins madly, and says, "John Egbert is a friend of me no more! He can go to hell for all I care! Right, Biscuit? ...Biscuit?"

My eyes begin to tear up and I look up at Dave with a look that says, "Why?" Dave seems to understand and then looks down at the broken glasses. "Maybe I was a bit too harsh… But, you gotta understand, Biscuit. John is ignoring me. Either that, or he can't access any electronic devices. I just don't get it. Was I being a bad friend?"

Great, now Dave is starting to cry again. That was a very odd and quick mood swing… Dave suddenly gets himself together when we both hear the front door unlocking. Bro's home.

"Yo, Dave I got some pizza." He says as soon as he enters, holding a huge box of the previously mentioned Italian delicacy. Dave quickly gets up, sending me to the floor. Luckily, with these awesome cat reflexes, I land safely on my feet and follow them Striders to the dining room table. Bro opens the box and reveals a delicious pepperoni pizza. Dave sits down with Bro and grabs a slice. I hop up onto a seat as well. Bro gives me a slice (can cats eat pizza?) and takes one for himself. Although it wasn't in a way that I expected…

He lifts up the entire pizza box and suddenly disappears like a ninja. There's only a black blur as he swiftly moves all around the box, slicing at blinding speeds. The entire time, Dave casually watches him, slowly chewing his pizza. I ignore my food to watch the show.

Bro finally stops moving and the box mysteriously disappeared. He holds up his katana and catches all of the falling pizza slices. He made a pizza-kabob with his sword. Cool.

One last slice falls and Bro catches it between his teeth and smiles. I am impressed. Dave doesn't really look as impressed as me, though.

"Nice job, Bro. But you kinda screwed up a few times in the middle and pizza sauce is now spilling all over your shirt because you caught a fucking pizza between your teeth. Those things make a mess, y'know."

Bro grumbles a little under his breath and sets his katana down on the table with the skewered pizzas. I proceed to eat your slice, and Dave seems a lot more interested in the way I ate since I was actually attempting to pick it up, despite my lack of opposable thumbs. Ah, another reason why I want to be human again.

Stupid douche-y sea troll…. And his stupid "science"…

And that stupid dog.

If it weren't for them, I wouldn't be in this situation.

Obviously, I'm not willing to tell you readers in detail about what happened to me as of now. Right now, I want to take another nap.

Catnaps are my savior.

**W00T. I FINISHED LE CHAPTER. I JUST FINISHED, LIKE, THE FRENCHEST OF CHAPTERS.**

**Why do I keep ending them with the characters going to sleep? Yeah, that's going to change. As of now, every chapter is a new day. At least until later on….**

**So.**

**Will John tell you guys how he got into this whole ordeal?**

**Will we get more info on Jade?**

**Does Rose read wizard porn?**

**At least two of three of these questions will be answered in the next chapter!**

**Hasta la pasta!**


	4. How it all Came to Be

**Hey, look, I made a new chapter.**

We are John Egbert. And not just any John Egbert. We are John Egbert from the PAST. And by past, I mean ABOUT 2 WEEKS AGO. Actually, a week and a few days...

I have recently gotten into an argument with Dave. It was a very touchy subject that I'd prefer not to talk about right now.

Now, I'm in my bedroom, chatting with Jade on Pesterchum.

**gardenGnostic" began pestering ectoBiologist 2 weeks in the past**

GG: John.

EB: what?

GG: I need some help.

GG: can Bec come over and teleport you to my place?

EB: why what happened?

GG: well, you see…

GG: there are these two weird sea troll people that live in the ocean that surrounds my island

GG: I want you to get rid of them

EB: why?

GG: the girl, named Feferi, is way too obnoxious and happy

GG: and the guy, Eridan…

GG: he keeps hitting on me

GG: it just makes me uncomfortable

EB: …

EB: AW HELL NAW

EB: NO ONE HITS ON MY COUSIN AND GETS AWAY WITH IT.

EB: BRING THAT DOG OVER HERE SO I CAN TEACH THAT DOUCHEBAG A LESSON.

GG: ok!

**gardenGnostic ceased pestering ectoBiologist two weeks ago**

In no time, Jade's weird radioactive dog teleported right in my room. I smile a little and walk up to him, petting him. "Hey there, Bec!"

"Woof," he replies before teleporting me to Jade's Remote Island in the Pacific. It's quite beautiful and I question how her grandfather got the money to buy it…

I UN- CAPTCHALOGUE my favorite hammer (it has a little slime ghost on it how cute) from my belt. That was on my belt the entire time, by the way. I don't actually have a sylladex or special inventory as such. I just think that "captchalogue" is a pretty cool word.

I am immediately greeted by an overexcited Jade that tackles me to the ground. "JOHN! I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN PERSON IN AGES!"

"It's been only a week." I manage to reply between desperate breaths from Jade's death tackle. She pouts at me. "It felt like ages…"

"Yeah, I guess it did. So where are these sea trolls you speak of?"

Leaving Bec a treat, she leads me a little ways across the field of grass where I was teleported until we reach the coastline to the area of water in the middle of the island. It has a huge frog statue in the middle of it. She sighs and walks away, saying something about getting something to eat. I growl. "Alright, if you don't show up in the next ten seconds, I will personally dive down there and find you!"

Soon enough, two really weird sea trolls emerge from the water. The girl smiles and waves at me while the boy glowers at me. He then begins to speak.

"W-What the hell do you w-want, nerd?" He says. God, I hate his accent… What was he? British? Australian? Slovakian? Hell if I know. Whatever it is, I hate it.

"I would highly appreciate it if you would KEEP YOUR GRUBBY PAWS OFF MY COUSIN BEFORE I SMACK THE SHIT OUTTA YOU!" Even I, John Egbert, have my ghetto moments.

"W-wow-w… Let's take a moment to calm dow-wn and talk like a couple of reasonable, sophisticated men." He puts up those weird webbed hands in defense. The female one, supposedly Feferi, stares at me both in total curiosity, but doesn't say a word. In fact, she's very slowly descending into the water right now. The other one, most likely Eridan, doesn't seem to notice and continues to blabber on in that idiotic voice of his. Did he just say "wery"? As in… "very"?

What the fu-

"I'm terribly sorry about hitting on your cousin. You don't understand, though! No one ewer w-wants to be w-with me and I'm getting desperate! Ewen for your unattractive cousin! Unless…" he stops speaking for a moment and moves uncomfortably close to me. "You w-would like to date…"

Hold the fuck up.

"Are you hitting on _me_ now?!" I exclaim, pushing him awway.

Ahem.

*away

He smiles a little. "Yeah, w-why the fuck not?"

"How about no?" I respond coolly. Dave would be so proud. Wait. Shit, I'm not supposed to be thinking about Dave! As of now, he is dead to me. Right now I need to focus on the heartbroken sea troll in front of me. Eridan shouts, "W-WELL SCREW-W YOU! YOU JUST AS UNATTRACTIVE AS YOUR COUSIN! YOU'RE BOTH BLOODY UGLY!"

Oh no. He is in the _**shit**_. He just sassed me up. Me and my cousin! Shit. Just. Got. _**SERIOUS**_.

I take that hammer and jump up in the air so I can pound that damn troll until his brains spill out. But that doesn't happen. Why? Well I have no idea at all. I'm fucking frozen in midair when a laser zaps me and surrounds my entire body. I attempt to move, but to no avail. Eridan chuckles. "You do not mess w-with the Sea King. I think this little man needs to learn a waluable lesson, don't you think so, Fef?"

"Absolutely!" she nods excitedly and watches the show. That bitch might as well get some popcorn too, huh? Eridan grins, his carnivorous sharp teeth glistening. I catch sight of a golden tooth that I'd absolutely love to ask about if I didn't have other priorities. Eridan then says, "I should turn you into my least faworite animal! _**CATS.**_ Cod I hate cats! Those damn creatures will never leawe me alone! They are the low-west of creatures to me, and therefore you shall be one. Don't worry; this will only hurt a bit!"

Feferi giggled. "Yes, and it will only last a month!"

I wonder what they're talking abou-_**OHMYFUCKTHATISPAINFULHOLYSHITNO!**_

Eridan zaps me with another laser, this time it's a blue laser that causes excruciating pain for me mentally and physically. I scream as my insides become smaller and more deformed. My ears disappear and now I have a pair of fuzzy ears on my head. I also somehow grew a tail. The pain stops... Is it over? I'm just a neko?

Nope. It was just a pause. It's still happening. I realize this when it suddenly feel warm from all the soft fur that grew all over my body. Damn I got hair in places that hair really shouldn't be... Oh gross my tongue feels all sandpapery... My teeth get smaller, but sharper.

Wait…

What the fuck happened to my clothes?

Soon enough, the pain was over. My insides were rearranged correctly to that of a cat's. The same goes for the outside of me... I'm an adorable, fuzzy, soft, lovable kitten.

I hate this.

Eridan laughs. "HA! NOW-W YOU ARE A FUZZY KITTEN THAT CAN'T HURT US!" I charge at him full speed and gnaw on his legs. He shakes me off, rolling me backwards back on land. I then attempt to curse them out, but all I can do is hiss and spit. Eridan and Feferi both laugh before descending into the water, not to be seen again anytime soon.

Jade walks out of her house to meet up with me, holding a tray full of cookies. Those cookies are soon on the ground when she drops that tray at the sight of me. Don't worry Jade. I'm just as surprised as you.

"John, what did you do?!"

"Meow," is all you can say. Jade runs over to me and grabs my head. "As cute as you are, you need to turn back to normal before Bec sees you!"

"BARK."

Welp, I'm screwed. I squeeze your head out from Jade's hands and make a run for it. That was very, very stupid of me. Yep someone might as well call me Egderp now, as much as I hate my name it can be seriously true sometimes... Bec chases me for a little while before he ends up teleporting right in front of me. I skid across the grass at an attempt to stop, but bump into the dog anyways. Bec barks really loudly in my face. Wow… His breath smells like irradiated steak…

There's nowhere to run, so I have a choice:

Abscond

Aggress

…

**AGGRESS**

Now in strife mode (yes with the music and dramaticness and stuff), I run forward and scratch Bec, leaving four long cuts across his face. Bec whines and teleports me to Houston, Texas.

In front of a pet shop.

Well, there goes all of my luck.

Wait a minute.

I'm actually quite lucky! Before I can get mauled by that murderous radioactive dog, the front doors open. Bec teleports himself away from being startled. He probably went back home.

That leaves me with a gushy pet shop worker who takes me in, bathes me, and forces me to share a cage with this obnoxious white cat that reminds me way too much of Bec.

She calls herself GCAT. What a fucking retarded name...

After a long and painful week of starving yourself from putrid cat food, pooping in a litter box, and constantly being forced into tricky shenanigans with GCAT, Bro finally decides to show up in the pet shop. I act as adorable as humanly possible (is it even considered "humanly"?) and get myself adopted.

Success. Bro is a sucker for cute things.

Great. Three weeks with the Striders, and I'm back to normal. Piece of cake.

**Wow I'm pretty happy with the length of this chapter! I'm no super-ultra-this-makes-all-the-readers-enjoy-this- fic-long fanfiction writer, but I try.**

**I absolutely love Eridan and Feferi, but I made them the bad guys for a reason. You'll see. I also love GCAT, despite its actions in the webcomic.**

**Two of my previous questions have been answered as promised. And we all know that Rose LOVES wizard porn, but that will be mentioned later.**

**I think.**

**Probably.**

**Maybe.**

**Maybe not.**

**Dunno.**

**Well, that's all I gotta say!**

**Hasta la pasta!**


	5. Not-So Coolkid

**Sup sup sup I have returned. With a new chapter! I should probably focus on the ending of my Hetalia one but I wanna do this first! Congrats, Homestuck fandom.**

**Disclaimer: Andrew Hussie created this crap and I have no idea who wouldn't know this. I mean... He included himself in the fucking comic why am I doing this?**

Be Dave

School is the worst thing to ever happen to me. I hate school. I hate teachers. I hate every little asshole that teases me. I just fuckin hate school!

I'm just minding my own business on this stupid bus, on my way back from "Idiot High". I especially hate the bus because this is the time when the bullies get even worse than at school. Sure, spitballs in class and a punch in the face in the hallway's pretty bad. But, they're not as bad as the bus.

I sit there in my usual lonely seat and groan, hoping that the bullies were at home sick. Of course, that's not the case.

"Hey faggot! Where are those stupid sunglasses of yours?" Ah, Ricki… My _favorite_ aggressor… He sits next to me and pours his leftover soda in my hair. God I hate high school…

"I broke them." I grumble back as I wipe some soda from my face. I'm not sure why I still even respond to them. I've grown to somewhat believe what they say to me. Not that I'd ever admit that…

Oh great, now he's staring at my bright red eyes. I fuckin hate my eye color. I ain't even albino, but yet I have this strange eye color. I guess it runs in the family, considering that Bro's eyes are orange.

My family is really fucking weird...

Ricki starts laughing. "I always knew you were a devil worshipper! Ha! You're a fucking demon, aren't you?"

"No," I respond curtly. Why the hell would I worship the devil? Just because I have red eyes, I'm immediately a devil worshipper? Wow, human logic is amazing. I'd ponder all day about how stupid the human race can be, but I can't because Ricki had me by my neck. "Motherfucker, don't lie to me! No one just _has _red eyes!"

Yes, Ricki. Yes they do. Sadly, he's an ignorant asshole. I would be saying that out loud if he hadn't punched me in the face, giving me a new black eye on the left. I scoot as close to the window as possible, as far away from him as possible. Of course, that just gave him more room to beat me. After getting a few bruises, he throws me out of my seat and into the isle. Great. Everyone's staring at me. Ricki decides that now's the time for the real beat-down. "Hey everyone! Let's beat up the devil-worshipper!"

Oh no…

Everyone on the bus decides that what Ricki says is true and they all surround me. Since it's late in the day, most of the students were gone. Only five remained. And they treated me worse. The bus driver, Jack never cared. All he ever does is drive and smoke, no matter what happens behind his back.

The five kids gang me up, and I'm bombarded with fists and sneakered feet everywhere. I try to fight back, but eventually resort to armadillo stance and curl up in defense. It seems like years of excruciating pain until the bus slows to a stop in front of the apartment complex. Fast as lightning, I grab my backpack and excuse myself from the violence and run out the bus. On my way, I'm pushed down the large steps and left on the sidewalk. I can still hear their obnoxious laughter when they turn the corner. Sighing, I get up and dust yourself off. Not that it necessarily helped. I'm still covered in dust and bruises and I even still feel pain in my dick because that one girl thought it'd be funny to repeatedly stomp on it while the boys held my legs apart. Shit was more painful than being fucked in the ass by a rhino. My hair's still sticky from that soda and I'm more than sure that my bones aren't supposed to crack like that when I walk up the stairs.

I return to my cocoon of safety that is my apartment building and take the key out of my backpack. When I open the door, I immediately get about 157267389823792% happier at the sight of a very excited Biscuit. He mews happily and stretches up my leg.

Awwwwwwww cutie~

I kneel down and ruffle the fur on top of his head. He looks at me with a worried look. Or at least i think that it's a worried look.

"Meow?"

"Don't worry about it, Biscuit. It's just the bullies at school…"

Biscuit lovingly bites my hand, telling me that he's clearly still worried. Sigh. "I'm fine, Biscuit! Stop worrying!"

Biscuit lets out a whining noise that I choose to ignore. I make way to the bathroom and he follows. I still choose to ignore that. Honestly, I don't feel like punishing the cat for not leaving me alone. I just start up the bath and watch the water run with Biscuit, who nuzzles my hand. I'm not sure if he's begging for attention or comforting me. I honestly don't care.

When the tub's full, I strip and get in. Biscuit is watching, but he's a fucking cat so who cares? As soon as make make contact with the water, I am totally relaxed. That is, until Biscuit hops in with me and splashes warm water everywhere. He smiles hopefully at me, soaking wet. I sigh and chuckle. "I guess I can't stay mad at you. This _is_ the first time you ever willingly got inside the bathtub…"

Biscuit meows in somewhat of an agreement. I laugh out loud when a bubble gets in his mouth and he sneezes cutely.

Maybe today wasn't _so _bad…

Time Skip

A while after your bath, Bro returns home with Chinese food and his boyfriend who looks way too much like John. What was his name again?

Jack?

James?

Jerusalem?

Whatever it was, who really gives a fuck? I don't even really make contact with him. To me, he's just one of those random strangers I see in the house sometimes. Like that drunk girl or the squeaky one who has something to do with Betty Crocker…

He grins at me and ruffles my now clean hair. It must be soft cause his grin got a little wider when he touched it. Hell yeah it's soft that conditioner is the shit. Anyways.

"'Ello, mate! Fine day we're having, eh?"

Jake was his name. Now I remember. How could I forget? He's the British adventure dude that I absolutely hate to the core.

"I guess…" I respond curtly. He giggles. "Aw, cheer up, ol' chap! If your day was bloody terrible, surely tomorrow will be the bee's knees!" (Say that out loud with a fake British accent to feel happier)

He has a cute accent. I suppose Bro isn't _totally_ full of terrible taste. Biscuit is behind me, watching curiously. Jake switches his focus from me to the cat, scratching Biscuit behind the ears. "Aw well aren't you just the cutest lil' bugger I've ever seen! Jesus Christ on a bagel! Your fur is the softest I've ever felt! Strider, what cat shampoo do you use?"

Bro looks up from his little robotic project on the coffee table. "I don't use cat shampoo. I just let Dave use whatever he likes."

"Oh, well I guess that makes sense… So, changing the subject… Your new car should be coming in Tuesday. Would you like the control panel to be touch-screen, Dirk?"

Why does he let Jake call him by his name but only allows me to call him "Bro"? That lil fucker.

"That would be wonderful. Oh, can you add the little sunglasses to the front?"

"Positively!"

I groan and walk away. Why don't those two just get fucking a room? The two of them work in the robotics business, building and selling new inventions. Surprisingly enough, they get most of their ideas from the drunken woman. What was her name again? Rosey? Foxy? Rollerblades?

I honestly have no idea.

I believe that the new car they are talking about connects to the Smart Car that caught on fire about a week ago. I warned you about the shitty car, Bro. I told you, dawg.

I turn around to see Biscuit watching them build a small robotic bunny. I figure that'll keep the cat busy. That means I'll be alone…

I sneak into my room and slowly approach my bedside table, where a small blade awaits my arrival. I haven't used it in such a long time. Not in an entire year. But that's only because John had been keeping up my attitude! Ah, John… He's so adorable and nice and stupid! If only I could talk to him one more time… I take out your iPhone and go on Pesterchum.

**turntechGodhead began pestering ectoBiologist**

TG: John please respond.

TG: Do you see this?

TG: I am using perfect grammar.

TG: I'm being serious. Please, dear lord and all that is holy respond!

TG: Respond and I won't do it!

TG: Ugh… I knew it.

TG: You obviously hate my guts.

TG: If you ever read this… I'm sorry.

TG: I'm sorry for everything! I'm sorry for insulting your dead mother and punching you and being a total ass! Please forgive me! I'm desperate!

TG: At least let me know that you're alive!

TG: Please…

**turntechGodhead ceased pestering ectoBiologist.**

I pick up the blade and almost pierce the skin on my arm… Then a blur of white and black suddenly passes by and knocks the blade out of my hand. I sit there, confuzzled for a moment until I process the blur as being my cat. Biscuit hisses at me and scratches me in the face. He then proceeds to pick up the blade in his mouth and throw it out the bedroom window. It lands out in the middle of the street down below, and a car crushes it and snaps it in two. Another one passes over it just for good measure. Biscuit glares at me and hisses again.

"Biscuit get out! This doesn't concern you! Why did you-?"

I stop talking when the cat puts a paw to my lips and stares at me. He slowly shakes his head in disapproval. I stare down at him and kiss his fuzzy head. "At least you're here for me…"

That's when I know my cat is your one, true friend. And I'm not sure if that's necessarily a good thing…

**W00T. I'm finished! And I'm happy! Now that I have this thing on, I'm sure my Hetalia fans will be pissed if I don't update soon. Without further ado…**

**Hasta la pasta!**


	6. Secrets of a Strider- A Musical

**Bow wow wow**

**Bow wow wow**

**Bow wow wow**

***weird noise***

**Guess who's back**

**Back again**

**Pasta's back**

**Tell a friend**

**Actually, my name had changed, but I shall still be called "Pasta" because food names are cool.**

**So, anyway, story**

**Disclaimer: Think about it. If I **_**really**_** made Homestuck, would I be writing this fanfiction?**

Being a cat, you tend to have a heightened sense of hearing and smell and even sight. You actually love your abilities, despite the circumstances. One thing you don't like about your sense of hearing is the fact that you can be woken up from your peaceful nap from the sound of a pen dropping from two apartment rooms (are they called rooms or just apartments?) over. So, you are not happy as of the moment, being woken up on a peaceful Saturday morning by "ill beats" playing in Dave's room. On headphones. With the volume down low.

In case you haven't guessed yet, you are John Egbert and you are sitting on Dave's bed, glaring at the back of the cool kid's head. Of course, he doesn't notice, so you give up in trying to intimidate him and hop off the bed. Trotting over to him, you can hear the music much more clearly, and you see some turntables in front of him. When did those get there? Last time you checked, Dave's room lacked such instruments. Then again, you never looked in Dave's closet, out of bro respect. He must've gotten them from there. He also has an untouched keyboard sitting on the floor. While he's still making his sick beats on the red turntables, you walk over to the keyboard and paw at the "on" button. He seems to notice this and pauses his music, looking down at you.

"Ha, that's cute. That's a keyboard, Biscuit. I dabble with it a little, but I'm not as good as…. Well that's not important…"

You know he is talking about your human form. You could never be more sure. After a bit of effort, you manage to flip the switch, causing a little light on the keyboard to glow. A cute little tune plays on the keyboard to signify it starting up. You actually think the design of the instrument itself is pretty cool. A deep blue and chrome keyboard with light blue lights and even a little yellow on it if you squint. You play a note on the keyboard. B flat. Then you begin to play a tune (John's haunting refrain). Dave's eyes widen. "John used to play that song all the time… How do you…?" Dave just watches in awe and confusion. Once you finish the tune, he saves his music data on his laptop and starts a new song. He takes a few tunes he stole from Jade and Rose's music and then looks over at you. "Hey could you play again, but this time, change it up a little. I got an idea."

When he tells you to start, you begin playing. From what you hear through his headphones, it sounds… beautiful. Wow… (Look up "Haunting Refrain: ALL KIDS" on Google or YouTube or Bing or whatever. It sounds amazing. Actually, don't use Bing. Just… don't.)

Once you two have finished the tune, Dave smiles. "I don't usually do classical, but damn that was awesome! High-five, little buddy!" He brings his hand down to your level and you high-five him. Actually, you swat his hand, but that's good enough.

After watching Dave make a few more mixes, you decide to venture further into the Strider household. Once you step out of Dave's room, you look around cautiously for Bro/Dirk or Jake. When you remember that those two are on a "business trip", you decide that things are alright. Dave seems a bit too into his music to notice that you left. You smile a little when you see that Bro's bedroom door is slightly cracked open.

FOR NARNIA! You yowl, dashing towards his bedroom door and ramming your head straight into it. Surprisingly, you don't pass out. But you do get a pretty bad headache. At least you made it into his room.

Was it really worth it?

Yes, yes it was, you decide.

You observe the area to see that Bro's room is way messier than Dave's. When staying with Dave, you discover that he's actually kind of a clean freak. Although he can be too lazy to clean at times…

First of all, the room in littered with those lewd puppets that Bro often pranks Dave with. There's also a larger set of instruments surrounding a computer. There's even a real microphone, something Dave lacks for his rapping. Above the instruments and the desk is a 32 inch flat screen TV. Under the TV is a cool modern black shelf holding up practically every game console in existence. There's even a full stack of Gameboys and DS game systems. Bro's bed is surprisingly the cleanest thing in the room, bed sheets made and everything. That creepy-ass puppet, Lil Cal sits upon it though… On the plain white walls are memorable pictures of Dave as a baby and others of Bro hanging out with his friends. Especially Jake. Besides puppets, there are wires and clothes and even pistols scattered about the floor. Why are there pistols? You figure out the answer immediately remembering how Jake seems to always carry a gun around. You're sure no one questions him because he might be a little… "trigger happy"…

You tour the area and squeeze yourself under his rather large king-sized bed. Swiggity swize what up with the bed size?

You begin to question the amount of money Bro takes home every day. Is it a lot? Is it too little? Were they rich in the past, but then lost all their money, keeping their expensive belongings? Why do they still live in an apartment? So many unanswered questions, so little time…

Well, questioning how much bacon Bro brings home could be for another time, because you find a pink sparkly notebook under his bed. It's a diary… You don't want to snoop into Bro's secrets and such… But it's so tempting… What do you do?

You pull that lil shit out from under there and open it up. That's what you do.

Well, the little voice in your head says it's okay, so you do that exact thing. You take a look into his first entry.

Dear Diary,

I just got you earlier today, and since things aren't really looking up for us, I decided to write in you. You were given to me as a joke gift from my little bro, but I faked throwing you away because I got a reputation to uphold, y'know? I gotta keep it Strider fresh. I can ironically do some things but this is no ironic joke. Other than you, I got a nice gift from Jake. He gave me this awesome new computer. He actually used the remaining parts of a robot I built for him that exploded long ago. He's quite the recycler, if I do say so myself. He also gave me a bro kiss but just because it's my birthday. I don't think he's actually attracted to me. He says he might ask Jane out, so I can rule out him being gay… Maybe I should make a move… Later…

-Bro

You actually find this rather interesting… You continue to read through it until a certain article catches your attention. It's, in fact, the most recent one.

Dear Diary,

We just got a cat. He is probably the most adorable little shit I've ever seen. Probably even more than Dave… I don't think it's physically possible to resist those large, too-blue eyes and that dorky buck-tooth face. But there's something familiar about this cat… He's way too human for his own good. I fear that he might be a failed science experiment or something. Another odd thing that's going on is that Dave's boyfriend hasn't been talking to him for, like two weeks. I'm seriously worried because Dave declined Doritos earlier while he was trying to message his friend. DAVE NEVER DECLINES THE CHEESY GOODNESS THAT IS DORITOS. There's something going on here, and I know it. I've seen Dave video chatting and hanging out with his little boyfriend and this cat of ours reminds me way too much of the adorkable asshole. Hell, the cat would probably look just like Jake if it had darker fur and green eyes. Kind like Dave's boyfriend… I've been thinking about it for a while, and I believe I've put the pieces together. This is no cat. This cat is Dave's boyfriend. No doubt he is. He's too human to not be. It's more than obvious that somehow this Egbert child had been turned into a cat. I don't wanna tell Dave because he won't believe me anyways. And if he did, he'd flip the fuck out. I'm gonna get to the bottom of this, but when lil man's not around. He doesn't need to know… Yet.

-Bro

Bro is probably one of the smartest motherfuckers you've ever met.

**AAAAAND IT'S DONE. Next chapter's gonna be a little bit of Bro-John bonding and stuff. And Jake too. Don't worry, Dave will return, but I have to get into detail of Bro. He's kind of important.**

**Welp, that's all, folks!**

**Hasta la pasta!**


	7. And a Strider is Always Loved

**Wow I can't believe Homework updated.**

**Disclaimer: Come here. Closer. Psst. Cloooooooser. **i don't own shit. **Okay, proceed.**

Be Bro

Sup? My name just so happens to be Dirk Strider, but most people call me Bro. Why? Because I'm motherfucking Bro. I don't need a reason to change my name. Okay, I kinda hate your name, in a way. You'd be surprised at the amount of offensive nicknames that can be derived from "Dirk". So, Bro it is.

But enough talk about my name. I gotta focus on more important issues. Like politics or some shit.

After checking the clock, I curse myself for sleeping in again and missing little bro going to school. Oh well, he probably ate cereal and got on the bus safely.

Probably.

Now I ain't fully irresponsible. In fact, I try your best to raise Dave. It's just too much, considering my rather confusing and exhausting schedule. Sighing, I attempt to fall asleep again, efforts fruitless. Eventually I just give up and lay there with my eyes half-lidded, but wide awake.  
The door to my room slightly cracks open and I tense up. It better not be Dave. If he ain't in school, then his day at home will be hell.

Luckily for the lil asshole, it was only Biscuit. Ah, Biscuit… He's such an adorable kitten. Or, at least he appears to be a kitten. He could be that adorable human that Dave calls his "friend". I'm pretty sure there's something more between them, but I love to humor him by pretending to believe there's not.

Biscuit hops up onto the bed and lies down next to me. I figure that this is an act out of boredom since Dave's gone. Sighing, I and pet the kitten, who purrs in return. He's so cute; I might lose my cool and squeal. Cats are just so amazing. They're cute, badass, and take shit from no one. They also seem to just defy the laws of physics with their weird cat gymnastics. I just fuckin love cats Actually, I love all cute things... They're just so fucking hard to resist! Why? Because I'm motherfucking Bro.

Biscuit meows softly and stands up, doing his cute little cat stretch. Then he bites my ear and tugs at it. He wants me to get up. Of course.

Groaning, I sit up and step out of bed. I pick up my ever-present anime shades from the bedside table and slip those things on with a smile. I glare back at Biscuit. "Happy?" He doesn't even respond. In fact, he's too busy staring at my (badass) boxers with the heart pattern on them. Yeah, I have a plain white t-shirt on with them, but I refuse to wear pants to bed. Pants are overrated. I highly advise not having pants as much as possible. I smirk. "You're just jealous."

Did that cat just roll his eyes?

I walk out of the room, Biscuit following behind at a respectable distance. After making two bowls of cereal and sitting down on the floor with Biscuit, I begin to eat. Biscuit looks down at his own bowl of Fruit Loops and immediately dips the entirety of his head into it. I can't help but chuckle a little when he takes his now soaked head out of the bowl and licks his chops free of milk. The rest of his head doesn't get any cleaning treatment when he dips his head in again. Maybe I should start up a conversation. One I've been waiting to have this for a while.

"So… Biscuit," I begin. He lifts his head from his meal and stares up at me with those adorable eyes. Damn, I just wanna hug that thing and roll around with it in a meadow of flowers and rainbows.

…

I tend to have thoughts like this a lot. Not that I'm ashamed, though. People say it's gay, but I _am_ gay, so why protest?

"I've been thinking about you for a while, and I don't think you're really a cat. Actually, I think you're Dave's boyfriend. Am I correct?"

Biscuit stares at me, wide eyed. Then I remember that he can't talk, and smile. "Sorry, let me help you with that." I get up and fetch the laptop from my room. When I return, I open up Microsoft Word and allow Biscuit access to the computer. He stares up at me in disbelief and I nod. Biscuit trots up to the computer and begins typing as best he can.

"_How did you find out?"_

I chuckle. "It's just been a puzzle I put together. Jake's puzzle-solving skill kinda rubbed off on me…" Biscuit continues to type.

"_Well, that's actually quite smart. I never thought I'd say that about you…"_

"The hell is that supposed to mean?" I growl. This fucker sayin I ain't smart? Let's see how smart he is after I bash his skull in.

"_Sorry… Anyways, Dave and I are not dating. But it's a nice thought."_

"Fine then, Dave's friend who happens to be a boy. Tell me more about how you got turned into a cat." Wow, Dave's boyfriend doesn't act as cute as he looks…

"_Do you want the long version, or the short version of the story?"_

"Short version, I guess… I don't think I have the attention span for the long version."

"_After Dave and I got into an argument, I had to help my cousin Jade with a little…pest control… And these pests had some sort of magical power that turned me into a cat. Then Jade's radioactive dog teleported me to Texas, where I was taken into a pet shop. That's where you found me about a week later."_

Okay, maybe I should've asked for the long version… There are way too many unanswered questions. But I accept it after a little bit of assuming. "Wow… What were these 'pests' exactly?"

"_I honestly don't know. They're these humanoid creatures with grey skin, horns, and fins. Plus, they have flamboyant clothing that seems to dry as soon as they make contact with air. I like to call them 'Sea Trolls'. Has a nice ring to it…"_

"Sea Trolls?" I raise an eyebrow at him. Biscuit, or John, I should say, growls at me.

"_No, desert unicorns that poop lasers. YES, SEA TROLLS."_

"Someone's got an attitude." I say with a grin. John seems to sigh, and he keeps writing.

"_It's nice that you know, but I kinda don't want Dave to find out yet."_

My grin widens. "Ah, so you wanna snoop in his stuff some more and get that intimate attention that he gives to cats huh? I knew you two were at least in love."

"_Shut up. Last time I checked, I wasn't gay. Especially not for Dave."_

I raise an eyebrow at him again. "Mmhmm… Egbert, no one can resist the charm of a Strider. You obviously feel for him. It's too obvious to everyone except for you and Dave." I'm rather surprised at John's sigh of defeat.

"_Yeah, okay, I might have a little bro crush. But I'm sure it'll pass."_

I laugh. "I thought it was just a 'bro crush' with Jake, but that clearly wasn't the case. It only gets worse, John."

He ceases typing and just looks up at me with eyes that beg for help. My heart melts a little because I swear this kid/cat will be the death of me. "I'm gonna let you in on a secret. He's a total sucker for people who are just as dorky as he is. Like you. I already know that he has this 'bro crush' you guys call it…for you. By the way, if there's anythin else you need to know, I'll be the one to tell ya."

John smiles a little at me, making me grin. "You two are gonna be the death of me with your adorable-ness." You look around and a huge pile of DVDs catch your eye. "Do you like anime, Egbert?"

John shrugs.

I'm taking that as a yes. I immediately make a huge pile of smuppets in front of the flat screen in my room. Biscuit carries in some DVDs, one or two at a time while I pick up armfuls. We're gonna have a marathon, and nothing's gonna get in our way.

Time Skip

Dave returns to see me watching Soul Eater with "Biscuit" in the pile of smuppets. It's been God knows how many hours and we've only moved from the smuppet pile a couple of times to get more microwavable popcorn. Dave stares at us, and "Biscuit" hiccups. It's official. My kokoro (yes I said kokoro dwi losers) cannot take any more cuteness. I make a high pitched noise from the back of my throat. "Biscuit" smiles at you and licks my cheek. Dave gags. "Well I guess I'll leave you two alone. Bro, do you want me to tell Jake that you're cheating on him for a cat?"

Me and "Biscuit"-wait- Biscuit and I laugh. "Jealous, Dave? Sorry to say it. I'm an attractive man. I get all the dick, and the pussy."

Oh god was that a cat pun? I just made a fucking cat pun. At least I'm cool enough for it.

Dave just stares at me. "You're disgusting." I just laugh again and high-five "Biscuit".

After a bit of conversation, Dave joins us in watching anime, but he falls asleep while we're in the middle of watching Bleach. We watch most of the anime before dozing off in the comforting silence of midnight.

Let's do another time skip. I want this chapter to last a bit longer.

As you wish, needy reader. Dave Strider here with a brand new day. Woohoo, I have to go to "Idiot High" again! Ugh... I hate Tuesdays. They're like Mondays, only second in line. They're kinda like the son of a very annoying father, and the kid's growing to learn just like him, although he's never as bad as the father. He's a close second, though…

I eat some cereal and head out the door with my backpack. As I get on the bus (which is way more peaceful in the morning since no one has the energy for bullying) I begin to think about Bro and Biscuit. I really hope Biscuit won't start liking Bro more than me and turning against me. That's the last thing I need… Another fucking bully. I just hope that it won't be that way…

School drags along, like every school day does. I get slammed into your locker and get locked in there for the entire first period. Then my math teacher bashes down on me for being late and getting bad grades just because I don't understand how the fuck to find "x". Then I get even more teacher-bullying from my English teacher, who makes me read my raps out loud like poetry and then allows the other kids to judge it. And finally I have History, which wouldn't be so bad if my five main aggressors weren't all sitting around me. After my daily dose of spitballs and emotional torture, I have to face the bus again. Riki sits next to me again.

"Sup, faggot? Where's my money?" Oh yeah, I forgot that I owe him money for no apparent reason. I sigh and ignore him. Riki growls. "I ain't playin'. I want my money!" I refuse to respond. In all honesty, I just want to go home and talk to John… Sadly, my former friend is obviously too cool for me and moved on. I try not to cry, but it's hard. Riki stares at me weirdly. "What the fuck got in your eyes? You never fucking cry!"

I still refuse to respond.

Riki suddenly seems to look concerned for me. "Dude… Look, I didn't want you to cry. Jesus fucking Christ! You actually have tear ducts! Dude, what the fuck?!"

I whimper a bit, and suddenly something seems to have clicked in Riki's tiny brain. "Oh, is it your boyfriend? Did he dump your shoddy ass to the curb?"

The tears flow faster.

"Ha! He totally chucked you in the garbage! I knew that was gonna happen! Even your internet friend ditched you! This is how you should understand that no one loves you!"

Why hide my emotions further? I start sobbing loudly. I don't even fucking care that everyone can hear me. I'm not the cool kid anymore. I'm just another target for the carnivorous predators of High School. Riki chuckles. "Even the buck-toothed pansy hates you. This is hysterical!"

I freeze. He can insult me all day, but if he insults John, it's a totally different story. I growl from the back of my throat, causing Riki to stare at me weirdly again. I then bare my teeth at him and tackle him into the isle. Now I have everyone's attention. I don't care. (I love it.) I begin acting without thinking, sending a bunch of punches to Riki's face. "DON'T… YOU… DARE… INSULT… MY FRIEND!"

Riki is terrified; it obviously shows in his bright green eyes. I'm more than sure that I look like a murderous freak, with those devilish red irises, filled with rage, hate, and despair. The whole bus is silent as soon as I finish beating Riki to a pulp. The other is unconscious, bleeding on the floor. My heavy breathing is the only sound besides the engine of the bus running.

All the kids can't believe what just happened. Not even I can comprehend what I just did. I get up off of Riki and sit back in my seat. For the rest of the ride, everyone is silent.

When it's my turn to leave, I step over Riki's still unconscious body and take one last look at the four remaining bullies on the bus. I smile a genuine smile. "I hope you assholes know how long I've wanted to do that. You're all next."

With that, I leave. When I step off the bus, Jack whistles to get my attention. I turn to look at him, and he gives me a thumbs up. After that, he closes to bus doors and drives off. That's probably the most positive attention I've ever gotten from my bus driver, and I feel overjoyed.

And you feel even better to be greeted by everyone in the Strider household, including Jake. There is an entire pot full of Doritos in front of them in the living room, and they have Strawberry ice cream and plenty of apple juice to top it all off. It's a small party, but a good one. And Biscuit stands there in front of you, holding a piece of paper in his mouth. You take it from him. The handwriting was in sloppy cursive… Bro's handwriting… He probably wrote it for Biscuit. It read:

_Dave, I know things aren't looking up for you, so Bro and I decided to throw a small party just to show how much you're loved. I also want you to know that the thing you wish for the most is right under your nose, and it will blatantly be there for you soon. Just have a little patience, and it will come. Just remember that you are not worthless, not a waste of space, and most certainly not abandoned. We all love you, and even though your friends couldn't come, they love you, too. ALL of your friends love you, and don't you forget it. Don't listen to the haters, and take it in stride. Because you are a Strider, and a Strider is a truly strong soul._

_-With love, everyone who loves you._

You're not crying tears of joy. There's just… something in your eye.

**Did I accidently Sadstuck again? I was just gonna end it with Bro and Biscuit watching the anime together and falling asleep, but I thought that was way too short. Plus, you guys all need your daily dose of Dave. I wanted to change the sad mood, so I did something happy afterwards. I hope you're all happy with this chapter. My hands are tired… I've been typing non-stop… Well, bless yo face, and if you sneezed while reading this, bless you!**

**All of the homo**


	8. All out of Breath

**Just imagine Shaquille O'Neal trying to get into a Smart Car…**

"I mean… it's not like I _love _him. But, damn, as time passes, I only want to be with him more and more… I really miss him, Biscuit. I just wanna talk to him or at least see if he's okay. Even if he hates my guts, I still want to see him. Hell, I want to tackle hug him. But tackle hugging is not cool, so, no. Sigh… Biscuit, I've been having dreams… Dreams about him… They would start out normal, like me fighting ninjas or my Bro and totally kicking ass… But then I would see John, like, appearing out of nowhere. He would be in these weird-ass blue pajamas, too. And then, when I run up to him to give him a tender bro embrace, he would disappear out of thin air… He would just… vanish… And then I would start choking… And soon after that, I'd die, as if I lost my breath… And then I would wake up. I do it as quietly as possible so I don't bother you, but damn…" Dave rants about your human form. He's been becoming worse and worse, and it worries you. He thinks it's not cool to have feelings jams with any humans or his brother, so he turns to you. You don't mind, though. Honestly, you love it when he talks to you like this. He's a lot more of a revealing character than you think; you just have to be very trustworthy. And animals are quite trustworthy, for they will keep secrets. But that's just because they can't talk. Except parrots. Fuck those guys and their stupid mimicry.

Dave sighs again. "Yo, man… I'm sorry about ranting. I just need someone to talk to and, well, you're the only guy I've got." He rolls over on his bed to face you and smiles. "I know you probably aren't listening, but I like to pretend you are, because that's how most therapists work anyways. Don't they pretend to listen to your problems and just go 'Mmhmm' and 'How does that make you feel?' Fucking therapists, man…"

You mew softly and nuzzle him because he's such a dork sometimes. But he's a cool dork. Dave sighs and pats your head. "Good kitty… Best friend…"

Yawning, he gets up and looks over at you. "Care for a snack, lil man?"

You nod and get up out of the bed to follow him out the door. I don't know why I am even saying this because you already figured it out, but that's the story format so... You are John Egbert, or Biscuit (whatever you prefer) and it is a beautiful Saturday morning. The air outside is lightly polluted, better than most days at this wretched city, you discovered. The crows are cawing and flying in circles around only this particular building for reasons you don't understand. The cars down below are honking crazily and polluting this beautiful hot air even more and there are various voices of people talking about complete nonsense. Ah, what a beautiful day.

Bro went grocery shopping yesterday, so the fridge is probably filled with food. Speaking of Bro, he is currently working on his little robotic bunny in the living room. He seems too much into building the thing that he doesn't acknowledge you guys walking to the kitchen. Dave opens the refrigerator and, yep, it's stock full of various foods. Dave stares into the refrigerator for a while in complete silence. Then he suddenly shouts, "BRO THERE'S NO FOOD!"

Bro flinches very slightly and looks up from his toy. "Dave, I just went grocery shopping. It's full of food."

"I SAID THERE'S NO FOOD, ASSHOLE." Dave growls back loudly. You heightened sense of hearing is definitely not helping your newfound headache right now. Sometimes Dave can be a real bitch…

You get up and sniff your way into the fridge, as far as you can go until Dave pushes you away from it. "Hey, bad cat! Down! Look, I respect you and all, but you're still a cat and you still have some fuck-nasty germs on them paws of yours that I don't want all up in my food, you hear?"

You glare up at him. In return, he glares back at you. Soon, it's an intense stare-down to the death. It's fiery red against whirlpool blue, both immensely deadly.

Bro walks into the kitchen and stares at both of you. He chuckles a little. "Well, when you two are done with the sexual tension, I'm just gonna make grilled cheese for everyone." He takes out the cheese and bread and gets to work while you two are frozen. Dave blushes, and now he can't really hide that due to his lack of glasses. You like that. "_**BRO**_! That's _bestiality_! You're so fucking gross!"

He chuckles a little more and keeps cooking. You're really glad cats can't blush, 'cause Bro even has you flustered. Fucking Bro…

"That doesn't have to stop you, lil man. Love is love, no matter what form. Ain't that right, kitty cat?"

You nod and meow. Dave makes a frustrated noise and storms out of the kitchen. "I am _**so done **_with both of you! That's it! I'm talking to Rose!" He collapses on the couch on his stomach and takes out his iPhone, opening Pesterchum. You climb up on the couch and lay on his back, watching the chat.

**turntechGodhead began pestering tentacletherapist on Saturday, 10:15 am**

TG: rose

TG: rose

TG: rose

TG: rosie

TG: rolly polly

TG: rouge of light

TG: rococo coco

TG: rollie

TG: rosmosis

TG: osteoporosis

TG: abraham and moses

TG: stop and smell the roses

TG: take a dozen doses

TG: the only thing I chose is

TG: you

TG: to talk to

TG: I need a thing to do

TG: please answer, too

TG: I will keep this rap going

TG: if you don't start showing

TG: and stop blowing

TG: because this sucks

TG: this is just my luck

TG: man, fuck

TG: fuck a duck

TG: talk to chuck

TG: in a truck

TG: full of hope and despair

TG: talking 'bout you're affair

TG: and your expensive health care

TG: and he will compare

TG: I got a little middle finger

TG: to wiggle up in the air

TG: dear me not to use it, girl

TG: and I will lose a dare

TG: please rose

TT: I'm here, Dave. Calm your tits.

TG: how long have you been on?

TT: Long enough. What is it you wish to talk about?

TG: I dunno

TG: things

TT: Are you going to question your sexuality again?

TT: I keep telling you.

TT: You are about as gay as they can get.

TT: I'm not being rude, just honest.

TG: I know and you suck

TG: how many times must I tell you that it's just a bro crush

TG: nothing more

TG: nothing less

TT: Nothing less, indeed.

TG: I will fucking murder you

TT: You contacted me first.

TT: If you contacted me, you should've expected a little teasing.

TT: Think of me as your annoying, but lovable little sister.

TG: that's it im so done with all of you

TG: im going to go eat because everyone is irritating me

TT: Don't eat too much, sweetie. You'll get a tummy ache.

TG: thanks mom

**turntechGodhead ceased pestering tentacleTherapist**

Dave sighs and drops his phone on the floor. The iPhone takes no damage thanks to its awesome scratched record case. That case is like a knight's armor covered in bubble wrap inside a tank. Like, seriously. One time you accidentally dropped your phone off the roof of your apartment building and that thing only cracked slightly.

Bro brings out the sandwiches and you two begin to chow down while lying there on the couch, watching Bro finish up with building his machine. You find this silence rather comfortable. In fact, eating a grilled cheese sandwich on Dave's back while watching Bro build his machine is rather comfortable. You think you should do this more often.

**Yes, this is a pointless filler chapter but hey, at least it's an update. Plus, the next day will be the start John's final week as a cat. Hurrah! The next chapter will be about Jade and then John dicking around with Bro/Dirk and Jake. Dave will probably have a minor part in this, but honestly it's not centered on him. I might even write in Jake's point of view if you wish. Do you want me to?**

**Also I may or may not have made a few upd8 references and a really bad pun in there but oh well. Looks like dream Dave needs some HEIR.**

**Okay I'm done.**

**All of the homo.**


	9. Care for a Crumpet, Young Lad?

**Ok, so this chapter's a little different. It'll all be in either Jade or Jake's POV. I feel like it may be a little boring if this whole story is only in two major POVs. Plus, don't ya wanna know about Jade?**

**Disclaimer: *dances* **** I own nothing~ **

Ah, it's a beautiful Monday morning out here in the Pacific. You love Mondays! In fact, it's your favorite day of the week! You've always wondered why so many people hate Mondays. Personally, you think they're grand beginnings to new weeks. Others say Mondays are terrible because, after a relaxing fun weekend, it all ends on Monday, and then they have to go back to work or school.

You don't go to either of these.

You suppose you don't have a right to judge, though. Dave and John always tell you that school is boring and tedious, but Rose seems to enjoy it…

You are JADE HARLEY, and you have recently awakened from one of your RANDOM NARCOLEPTIC ATTACKS. You can't help it, though. It's just a little problem of yours. You never really looked into a solution since you have all the free time you want, so sleep isn't getting in the way of everything. You suppose you should be productive today and feed your dog.

Jade: Get out of bed.

You stand up from your spot on the grassy ground that you fell asleep on and head back to your house. Once you've gotten your steak from the kitchen, you head outside and summon your dog with a short whistle.

Bec appears in front of you and gives you a happy bark when you throw the steak at him. He uses his weird radioactive powers to absorb the steak. You'll admit that this is odd, but you still love your dog dearly.

You decide to greet your island-mates, begrudgingly of course. You sit at the shore and wait for them to show themselves. They ascend from the water and grin.

"H-ELLO HARL-EY!" Feferi shouts, excited as always. "Good ewening, Miss Harley. I made something for you." Eridan always gives you these odd presents, most of them things you'd rather not have. His presents are rather… disturbing… Sometimes he gives you dead fish, and other times he gives you trash he found in the dumping areas of the ocean. Sometimes you feel like he's sending you a message about pollution…

This time, his present is not a dead animal or trash, but instead, a really pretty piece of coral. "Sorry, I can't find any flow-wers in the ocean… So I decided to find the prettiest coral in the ocean, so it could reflect on you…" He offers it to you.

You're not falling for his bullshit. "Oh? And how do I know if that's not poisonous or infected or even possibly a bomb? What's the catch?"

Eridan quickly shakes his head. "No! This is a genuine apology for my actions! I'm incredibly sorry for offending you! Sometimes I can't think straight and I go apeshit crazy…"

You accept the coral and glare at him. You still don't trust this seadwweller…

Ahem.

Seadweller.

He continues to talk. "And about your brother-"

"Cousin"

"Yes, cousin… I highly apologize. It w-was simply out of self-defense. I do not like others charging at me w-with hammers, y'know?"

"I suppose so…" You can't help but chuckle a little.

"And don't w-worry about him. The spell w-will only last for about 4 weeks and 13 hours. This is his last week."

"Okay… But why are you apologizing all of a sudden?" You are baffled. He smiles. "Because I lowe- um… I just had a change of heart. Is it okay if I sit w-with you?" You nod, deciding to ignore that cut-off sentence. He must've just made a mistake.

He sits down on the shore next to you. This is when you discover how little you know about this guy. "Why are you always here? Aren't there more of you people besides her?" You point to Feferi. Well, where Feferi would be if she hadn't disappeared. He sighs. "No… I'm actually the only one left. Her… w-well, she is only alive because I used magic-er-science on her… If I ceased using ma-science, w-well, she w-wouldn't be aliwe…"

You're heart immediately melts. He's the only officially living one of his species? That must be terrible… Out of instinct, you hug him. This causes him to tense up and freeze. When you let go, he gives you a soft smile.

"Thanks… You see, my species was annihilated by a terrible sea troll until there w-were only twelwe of us remaining. Feferi and I w-were the only seadw-wellers and the other ten w-were landw-wellers. They slow-wly died off because us trolls are a wery hostile species. And, w-well, w-we all w-went crazy and ewentually, the others all died, leawing me w-with Fef's corpse. I mowed here w-when I discowered all the w-water here. And I brought Fef with me. Sadly, she still has a thing against me, so w-we're not friends… I just keep her aliwe because I need at least one other liwing creature w-with me…I'm sorry about my rant. W-what about your species?"

He doesn't tell you that he was the sea troll who killed everyone, but you don't know about this, of course. You tell him about human lifestyle and your friends. And in return, he gives you information about his species. The two of you continue to have a wonderful chat about each other's species, and you feel like you've made a brand new friend on this lonely island…

And you're perfectly fine with that.

Be Eridan

You can only be human, or cat, in this fic.

Be Dave

You can't be Dave. Dave is too cool for you right now.

Fine. Be John

You're kidding, right?

Ugh, so picky! Bro?

Bro doesn't want you to be him.

Well I give up! Be whoever you want you stubborn bastard!

You are now JAKE ENGLISH. And you are quite mad that you are a last choice, but you don't let that bring you down. Today is a positively wonderful day! Everything is tickety-boo for you! Why? Why, you've just finished a brand new car for your wonderful boyfriend! You two have been dating for a full five months and you have been friends ever since fifth grade, and yet you're still not tired of him.

You doubt you'll ever be.

You hum along to "Radioactive" playing on the car's iPod-set radio. It wasn't hard transferring the data from Dirk's iPod to the car, actually. It just took a plug and a few laptops from Goodwill. As you drive along, you look around to see various people staring at your car. It _is _something to look at.

This car is a grade-A crossover of a Cadillac and a convertible. It has the luxury interior of a brand new Cadillac and the sports car quality and speed of a convertible. It also has a metal hood top that is currently down like a convertible should be. Besides, it's a wonderful spring afternoon in Texas. It's too hot to be in an overheated car. Besides the interior wooden-plastic design, you've got an outer shell of various metals and plastics covering the car, in a muscle style of a Cadillac and size of a convertible in a beautiful mix. It's also a five-seater for your friends and Dave's friends' sake. Inside are touch-screen controls designed like an iPod or tablet, and a built-in navigation system. Also, seat heaters. Because. You and Dirk both painted the outside orange. While orange is a flamboyant color, you managed to make it look attractive, much like your forest green car, which can be described another time. Or never. Why do you need to know? It's your car so you should know.

You park near Dirk's apartment complex and go through the door of the bottom floor, taking the elevator to the top floor.

Next to you in the elevator is some dude with pure white hair and a painted grey face. You try to ignore the broken horns on his head. He grumbles a little under his breath about some kind of "stupid sister" and exits at floor 15. You eventually make it all the way to floor 20, the top floor, and head over to Dirk's apartment. Room 123 is the correct apartment!

You knock exactly three times and hear a loud crashing noise from inside. After a few harsh noises, Dirk opens the door, looking as though he went through three wars and hadn't cleaned up since. He's trying to play it cool, but from the oh-so-slight moving in his chest, you can definitely tell that he is exhausted and injured. "Greetings, Strider! By golly, you look fagged!"

"Yeah, I know, Jake... What brings you here?"

"I-"

Before you could get anything else out of your mouth, Dave comes up behind Dirk and stealthily swings his sword, missing, and then disappearing. Well, you thought he missed until Dirk's pants fall down, sliced in half. Dirk groans. You debate whether or not you're grateful that he is wearing underwear. You decide that you are, for Dirk's decency. Even so, the boxers have a smuppet pattern on them so you're still debating.

You smile cheekily and chuckle. "You've got yourself in a bloody pickle, haven't you? Well, since you're about as busy as a bee, I'll come back later." Before you can leave, he quickly grabs you by your jacket and pulls you inside. "Don't you go anywhere! Sit your hot British ass down on that couch and wait!"

You obey his orders, a little amused at his vocabulary. Dirk shouts over in the general direction of Dave. "LIL MAN YOU'D BETTER GET BACK OUT HERE AND FACE ME LIKE A MAN!"

Clearly Dirk is not having the chirpiest of Mondays. Dirk attempts to run, but trips over his pants, falling down face-first. This is when you notice that he as claw marks all over his face. "Care to explain what ludicrous poppycock goes on this fine morning, Strider?"

He looks up at you and chuckles. "Well, it turns out that this fucking cat is a prank fanatic, also really good at it. Long story short, I got my ass handed to me by my only other family members."

You can't help but laugh and help the poor man up. He sighs and fixes his now cracked sunglasses on his face. "This is why we should never adopt a child. Even after Dave leaves…" You smile and give him a soft kiss. Of course, he tenses up and then deepens it. When you two both depart, you sit back down on the couch and grin. He has this stupid toothy smile on his dazed face, kinda like those lovesick cartoon characters.

"Ugh. Why don't you two just get a room?" Dave flash-steps to sit down next to you. "Jesus fucking Christ, the sexual tension is bothering me! Aren't you guys supposed to platonically in love?"

It started out that way, but now that's not the case. Both of you are _way_ too "touchy-feely" for a platonic relationship. So that was thrown out the window immediately.

You look over to Dave. "Wait… Why are you not in school?"

"Spring break, baby! Just started Friday! So, in celebration, I'm making Bro's life hell." Dave leans back on the couch and puts his feet up on the coffee table.

It's things like this that make you slightly dislike Dave. Of course, you've tried your best to get along with him, but he is the most impossible being to get along with. He's even harder than Dirk…

You have given up in trying to impress Dave and decided that you are and will always be Dirk's boyfriend and he can't do anything about it. Sssssssssuck it Strider!

Dirk groans once again and turns to you. "So what is it that you wanted to show me?"

After Bro gets dressed, you lead everyone out of the apartment complex, Dirk behind you, Dave holding Biscuit and following out of sheer curiosity.

When you make it to the parking lot, it only takes everyone a few seconds to spot the surprise. Dave drops Biscuit on the ground in awe, and Dirk is already inside the car flipping his shit. You smile and walk up to the car.

"Isn't it grand? Jesus Kringlefucker Christ, I've been up all bloody night building the interior and then I woke up at 5:00 in the morning and made all these god damn upgrades! I'm absolutely chuffed that you love it!"

Dirk grabs you and pulls you into the car head-first. Good thing you left the hood down… The windows are quite small.

Dave hops in with the cat, and you hand Dirk the keys. "Where would you like to go, sweet stuff?" He asks.

"It would be the dog's bullocks if we could have a butchers at this new blinding family restaurant around the corner. They allow pets as long as you decide to chow outside." You respond in a chipper attitude. Sometimes you can't help your overuse of British slang. It's just the way you talk.

"Wonderful choice, English. We'll have a _butchers_ at this wonderful family joint you speak of." He then does your signature "double pistols and a wink" to add the icing on the English cake. This doesn't satisfy you. "Strider, are you mocking me?"

"Strider, are you mocking me?" He mimics in a fake British accent. You frown a bit. "Strider, this is not funny."

"Strider, this is not funny."

"Stop that this instant!"

"Stop that this instant!"

"Sod off, you bloody arsehole!"

Both of the Striders and Biscuit burst out laughing. "Your accent is so cute!" He pinches your cheek and wipes a tear from his eye behind those stupid anime shades of his. "You wankers got another thing comin' if you keep up that God-awful laughing of yours!"

They refuse to obey your orders. You growl out quietly, "Mark my words, Strider. I will cut the brakes in this car and go to your funeral to piss on your grave."

"What was that, English?" Dirk manages to say within his endless laughter. You growl back, loudly this time. "I said, _your_ accent is _stupid_."

He just keeps laughing with his brother. But you have a feeling the cat heard you, because he is no longer snickering.

You wait patiently for you guys to make it to the bloody restaurant… It feels like a fortnight before you get there.

Eating is boring. Be Jane.

I'm sorry, was that a typo? You can't be Jane because she plays no major role in this story at all.

Jake: Be Jade.

No. Jade is too busy being asleep on Eridan's shoulder. You are STILL JAKE and you are currently chewing on a GOOD-SIZED JUICY BURGER. It's been a while since you ate a good ol' piece of meat (besides Dirk's meat *wink wonk*) (KIDDING. KIDDING. I'M JUST KIDDING.) because of your busy and confusing schedule. Dirk is taking full advantage of NOT EATING PIZZA AND CHINESE TAKEOUT and is eating some kind lobster meal. Dave is also taking advantage of this and is chowing down on a plate of EXTREME NACHOS. Biscuit is snacking on some SMOKED SALMON and STEAMED BROCCOLI. (Which he actually likes considering his diet of NOTHING BUT SWEETS that his dad gives him.)

What did I tell you about this obnoxious writing style?

Ahem, right…

You all proceed to talk about practically nothing and just simply enjoy each other's company. You're the kind that only finds joy from pure adventure, but there are exceptions. And being with your boyfriend's incredibly fucked up family is one of them.

**Since I kinda took longer than expected to update, this chapter is longer. Plus, I just like Jake. I like him on an incredibly unhealthy level and you guys don't understand. And what do you think of the crack pairing EridanxJade? I don't even think they made contact in the story, but yeah whatever. I like adding little crack pairings in for my stories. That's just something different that I do. Plus, I personally think EridanxJade is really cute!**

**I didn't ship it until five seconds before writing this chapter, BTW.**

**As for translation for Jake's British slang, use context clues because there's no way I'm translating for you. C'mon I literally Googled British slang you'd better have loved it.**

**Oh, and the dude in the elevator was Caliborn. He is not important at all I just thought he'd be a wonderful addition to the story because of reasons. The apartment number is Dave's birthday, December 3. Don't believe me? Google it I'm pretty damn serious. His birthday is literally 12/3**

**Dave's spring break starts on April 5. This is important.**

**All of the homo.**


	10. Author's Note

**Hey guys, I know you're expecting another chapter, but this is not the case. I am not going to update anytime soon because of family tragedy and a few trips among the Americas. I hope you guys still stick with me on my next update, but as of now, I'm on a mini-hiatus and probably won't update in weeks. I'm sorry, but shit happens. When I get back, I'll reward you guys with a long, cute chapter for your patience. Thank you.**

**From Pasta with love**


	11. A Normal Day in the Strider Household

**HELLO FRIENDS I AM HERE. I know you guys just wanna read the chapter so my rant will be at the end.**

**Disclaimer: Wait am I still doing these?**

You are JOHN EGBERT from the PAST and you are just chilling with Dave at his apartment. You guys are playing Mario Kart and you won for the twentieth time in a row. You know Dave is internally screaming and throwing and hissy fit, but he's currently hiding it by saying nothing. "Rematch." He simply says. You chuckle. "Another one? Dave I don't think this much losing is healthy for you. Maybe you should just accept defeat."

Suddenly, Dave cracks. He jumps on top of you and shouts, "YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GIVE ME A REMATCH!"

You are scared to death, so you nod hastily in hopes he'll get off. He does so and throws your controller at you. It lands straight where the sun don't shine, and after silently screaming in pain, you pick it up with a shaky hand and start playing. Dave gave himself a head-start, but you manage to get a blue shell. As much as you don't want Dave to lose, you press the button and squeeze your eyes shut. Sure enough, you make it past the finish line first, and brace yourself for the outburst. Nothing happens at first, but then Dave tackles you off the living room couch and shouts various profanities at you. You can't make anything out that he's saying because he is repeatedly punching you. Not only in your face, but everywhere else too. "I'm sorry! Dave please! Dave! Ow! I'm so sorry!" You try to talk over his yelling.

Dave had a bad day, which is exactly why he asked you over via Jade's dog. He wanted to spend time with you to get his mind off of school, bullies, and people in general. He also failed his math class for the third quarter and spilled apple juice all over his laptop. Bro is currently not in the house because he went to go buy another laptop. Dave had a terrible day, and now you feel terrible for making him lose. He stops punching you, breathing heavily.

"You... Asshole..."

"Dave I said I was sorry!"

"Sorry don't cut it! If you drop a plate on the floor and break it, sorry's not gonna put it back together!"

"Dave please! You're being a poor sport!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

"Dave you are getting mad at me over a video game!"

"John I am not only mad at the video game! I am mad at everything that happened today! School, assholes, the fuckin laptop!"

"Your Bro is getting a new one! Why the hell does it matter?!"

"I had all my stuff saved on that thing!"

"You should be grateful Bro is nice enough to get another one! My parents would have never done the same, saying I learned my lesson..."

"We'll your parents are assholes! That's why your mom died! She didn't deserve to live!"

You stare up at Dave. And then he realizes what he just said. Tears well up in your eyes and Dave tries to fix it. "Oh shit... John! I take that back! I didn't mean it I swear!"

You glare at him and shake your head, pushing him off of you. He falls on his ass and continues to apologize. "John I'm so fucking sorry!"

You look over at him and growl. "Sorry don't cut it. If you drop a plate on the floor and break it, sorry's not gonna put it back together."

And with that, you leave his house and call Jade for dog transportation.

Be John in present time==

"Ngh... John..."

You have been hearing moans and other noises from Dave's room for a while. His door is closed and you can't reach the doorknob but you're very curious as to what's going on in there...

You are BISCUIT STRIDER, mostly because I'm tired of writing John Egbert in caps lock. Deal with it.

#yolo

How do you reach this doorknob? Ask, Bro of course. But he is taking a long nap on the living room couch. You know from experience that Bro is an incredibly deep sleeper. You decide to take a chance and walk up to the couch. Bro is sleeping soundly, head rested on the black pillow on the red fabric of oh-so comfy couch cushions. You're making yourself pretty sleepy...

No! You must find out what Dave's doing in there! No giving up!

You paw a little at Bro's face and meow. All he does is snore. Of course... You get up on the couch and hop on his back. He still has nothing to say to that. You start kneading his back, digging your claws in. He tenses up a bit, but then snuggles his pillow and smiles. Great. You massaged him. Wonderful progress,

You get up close to his face, and now you can't believe you're doing this. But the noises are getting louder... You lick Bro's face. He kinda tastes like takeout pizza and oil... Probably from building his machinery. Not a bad oil taste, though. He stirs a little and furrows his eyebrows. You grin in hope that he'll awaken. Instead, he grabs you and hugs you like a teddy bear. Dave is making more noises.

You struggle to get out of his grip, but Bro is a pretty strong guy. You're about to give up until you realize that you have sharp teeth. Grinning a little, you harshly bite Bro's hand. He whimpers in his sleep and squeezes you. You try again, biting his forearm. This time he sets you free, whimpering a bit more and trembling from loneliness.

...

Shit. Now you feel guilty.

...

He'll get over it.

You get on his back and tug at his shirt. This only makes him snore louder. Ugh. This is difficult. You look over at Bro's butt and suddenly get an idea. It's an evil idea, but it's an idea. You crawl over to his backside and prepare you claws. Bro suddenly decides that he needs to roll over on his back, squashing you in the process. Now that you can't breathe, him waking up is preferable. You claw your way out from under him, triggering whining and shifting. Eventually, you make it and sit on his stomach. He paws a little at the air in his sleep and then drops his hand. Awwww... How cute!

No. This is not the time to fangirl over sleeping Bro. Now's the time to wake him up. You look around and then get another idea, staring at Bro's crotch.

No, that's way too rude... But so tempting...

#yolo

You craw up over it and ready your claws. Before Bro can shift again, you immediately swipe at it, cutting his pants a little, but whatever.

Bro screams and wakes up. He then proceeds to spazz out and fall off the couch, taking you down in the process. This is not your day... You crawl out from under him again and sit on his stomach. He glares over at you but then hears the noises from Dave's room.

Score.

He picks you up, about to nuzzle you until he remembers that you're not really a cat. Sighing, he goes over to Dave's bedroom door, and opens it. Surprisingly, it's not locked. Both you and Bro widen your eyes. He even removes his glasses and shoves them in your paws.

Dave is currently lying on his bed, tangled with the covers, with his hand in his pants. There's no running from this, Dave. Not with the flushed face and sweat-matted hair. Or that dazed look in his eyes.

You're speechless. Bro isn't.

"Aw, thinkin' 'bout your little boyfriend, Dave?"

"GET THE FUCK OUT" is Dave's only response. He chuckles and sits down on the bed next to Dave. "Hey, chill out. It's fine. You wanna talk about it?"

Dave stares at him with this look that says "Are you fucking serious?"

You snigger a little. Dave gives you a glare. "Both of you get out!" There are tears of anger forming in his eyes. You suppose you can understand. He's unfinished and Bro is just stalling him.

Ooo, now that's evil. Even you, a sadistic pranking asshole, would never be so harsh as to stop a dude from relieving himself.

But then Bro smirks, ruffles Dave's hair, and leaves the room. You and Dave both stare at each other.

Hot damn it should be illegal to have eyes that pretty...

You mentally slap yourself for thinking that.

"So... You gettin out or are you gonna sit there like an idiot and make me feel uncomfortable with those eyes of yours?"

You meow and sit on his lap. Dave groans. "Ugh... It'll die down..." He scratches you behind your ear and sighs. "Sometimes I wish you weren't so damn stubborn. I already had to deal with the stubbornness of Jo-" He halts. Then he growls. "John... That little asshole! We've been friends for over six years. I can't just get over him. Especially with this stupid crush. I don't even think it's a crush anymore. I've been in love with that douche for three and a half years and that is no crush, Biscuit. And then you... You come along. You're like John in cat form. Fuck, if I didn't know any better, I'd think you're actually John! Of course, with my luck, that's not the case..."

Oh, so close yet so far...

Groaning, you lay down next to him. Dave sighs and lays down as well. "I'm not gonna deny it anymore, Biscuit. I miss him." He looks at you with this kicked puppy face.

"I miss him a lot."

Be Bro

You are now BRODRIEK STRIDER and you have too many names for your own good. You are currently in the living room, staring at the couch with half-lidded eyes. It looks so comfy... But you can't sleep now you got a project to work on. Jade's dream bot exploded again and she doesn't have the supplies to make a new one. At least, that's what Jake told you. He came by earlier and dropped off some supplies, along with a little love note that made you blush like a fuckin anime. He's such a charmer...

You let out a sigh and head over to your room to get to work. As soon as you get started, your phone starts ringing. You look at the caller ID and see that it's Jake. Smiling, you pick up. "How's it goin, sweet stuff?"

"Dirk, I don't think I'll be at your place in time tonight. I'm in quite the predicament."

"What is your problem?"

"Well, remember that guy that we traded our robotic parts with?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"He wants them back... I'm currently tied up in their hideout and I'm not sure if I'll make it out alive..."

"Jake don't be ridiculous-"

"Dirk I'm fucking serious."

"... Jake..."

"It would be baller if we could talk more but they're returning. I apologize, but I must go. Love you!"

You are about to say something back when he hangs up. You're not quite sure what to do, so you go back to the living room couch. Sleeping sounds like a great idea...

Yeah, sleep. It's time for you not to be somewhere real right now.

Be Jake

You can't be Jake. Jake is too busy being beaten to a pulp.

Uh... Seriously I'm worried about the kid. Be Jake.

First of all, Jake is not a kid. He is a strong, independent man who don't need no worried readers. Jfc he'll be fine.

Ugh he'd better be. Be Dave.

You are now Dave, and right now you are talking to Jade on your iPhone.

**turntechGodhead began pestering gardenGnostic**

TG: jade are you there

GG: hmm yes I am!

GG: how do you do, Dave?

TG: let's see here

TG: my best friend is gone, I'm hopelessly in love, my bro is bein a douche and my cat is

TG: wait

TG: wtf is he doing

GG: ?

TG: uh I gotta go

TG: say hi to Bec for me

**turntechGodhead ceased pestering gardenGnostic**

You look over at your cat and wonder what the hell he is doing. He is trying to start up your laptop. Wait... Now he's opening Microsoft Word. What? He's typing!

_"Dave! I'm your friend!"_

...

_"Dave listen to me! I am John!"_

You chuckle. "That's cute, Biscuit. I didn't know you were trying to be like him to make me feel better. That's awesome.

_"I will fucking cut you."_

Your eyes widen. "Whoa, hey. Slow down there tiger!"

_"Dave! I am not trying to be John. I AM John!"_

You shake your head. "That's impossible. Maybe you shouldn't have so much catnip."

_"You never gave me any catnip."_

"Oh yeah... Well it just so turns out that I have what you want right here!" You hold up a bag of catnip that you had hidden under your bed. Bro got some and let you put it there, but you forgot about it. Biscuit stares at you. Then at the bag. Then he hisses. You drop the bag on the floor, grinning. He appears to be resisting the intoxicating aroma of the catnip, failing at it too. He then pounces on the bag, ripping it open and spilling catnip everywhere. He then proceeds to roll around in it. You chuckle and close your laptop. You won't admit it, but you're a little scared of this cat's intelligence. It just scares you that a fucking cat knows how to type. Biscuit must be a failed science experiment. You don't know why, but you really don't want Biscuit to be John. So you're in total denial. And you most certainly don't want John to be Biscuit because of all the shit you told him. He'd probably think you're a hopeless crybaby.

You don't want that.

Honestly, all you want at the moment is food and sleep. It's been a long day.

You head out to the living room to see Bro pacing back and forth in panic. He's repeatedly grumbling "Fuck" under his breath. Now you're even more scared and confused. "Hey Bro what's wrong?"

He looks over at you and suddenly bursts out crying, falling to his knees. "JAAAAAAAAAAAKE!" He sobs loudly. You bite your lower lip. "W-what about him?"

"Th-they called and... And..."

"And…?" You urge him to go on.

"He's dead! They shot him! He's gone! Dead!"

You're not sure how to react. This is way too much to take in. You never really liked Jake. It was kind of a love-hate thing. This is mostly because you didn't trust him around Bro, and you love your brother. You would hate for him to be in an abusive relationship or anything. And Jake's gun fetish really worried you...

You hug Bro and let him cry in your chest. "Shh... Bro I'm sure he's in a better place... Chillin in the afterlife and watching over you..."

Bro's trying to say something to you, but it's hard to make out through his sobs.

You hear the door knock. It's quiet and weak, but a knock none the less. You pry Bro off of you and let him curl up on the floor in his own puddle of tears. You open the door.

You're absolutely amazed and surprised. There he is. Jake. His glasses are broken, he has a limp, and the side of his head is bleeding, but he's alive. Or, at least, undead. He smiles weakly at you.

"Ch-cherrio, Strider! You don't happen to have a few bandages on you, do you?"

Bro stops crying and looks up. He is speechless. "B-but they... You... How?!"

Jake chuckles, but then coughs violently. "They shot me in the chest and attempted at my head. But it just so happens to be in a spot that isn't fatal." He continues coughing. "I m-managed to fight my way through them. I'm all out of ammo..."

You stare at him. "The fuck do you do for a living?!"

He smiles and invites himself inside. He's tracking blood and dirt on the floor, which you don't appreciate, but there are other priorities right now.

"D-Dirk? Could you possibly drive me to the-"

"Yes. Dave you're coming."

"Kay." You respond curtly and follow them out the door, Dirk carrying Jake bridal style out of the place.

Be John:

Good choice, lad! You are now Biscuit, and that was possibly the greatest feeling you've ever been through. You're covered in catnip and everything is alright! Well, it was until you step into the living room. There is blood, dirt, and tears on the floor.

...

And this, kids, is why you don't do drugs.

**Yes there is a reason why the thing happened to Jake. It's a little side-plot that will be covered next chapter. All that's left is my rant about the trip so you can skip it if you want.**

**So, about the trips… It went well! Well, as well as a trip to a funeral can get… I met some old family members and suddenly got an addiction to apple juice there. Apple juice is tasty, okay? My cousins are pretty cool, but it's kinda hard talking to them since they're interested in clothes and makeup and I'm… Me. I didn't cry much because I'm more than sure she's in a better place, so I basically comforted everyone else. Then we played SSBB at the house and it was really fun. I learned how to beat everyone in literally three days and I've never even played the game before! So it was a pretty fun trip with ice cream and shopping and shit. Now, they cancelled the flight on our trip back so we had to go cross-country in a rental car. That was also pretty awesome, but I already did that twice before so it's nothing new. We stopped and had a little fun in Vegas (I didn't gamble but there was this arcade), and even saw the Great Salt Lake. And, fuck, I thought it was snowing in the middle of summer in Utah. I was like "WTF IS THAT SNOW?!" and my parents were like "That is salt, dear." And it took me ten full minutes to actually believe that was salt. Yeah, so we made it back all in one piece and shit. YAY~**

**Also, I would've updated two days ago, but our Internet fucked up and bluh excuses.**


	12. What Would Sherlock Do?

**WASSUUUUUUP?**

**Ok here have a chapter because ily.**

I'm confused, horrified, and sickened by the blood. In fact, I think I'm gonna barf… Ugh… I decide to investigate some more and figure out what happened. Good thing I have an awesome sense of smell.

I search the area for an magnifying glass, but eventually settle for the lenses of Bro's reading glasses. Yes, Bro has reading glasses, mainly for looking smart and reading blueprints. I'm sure he won't mind. He can get another pair at Wal-Mart for like three bucks.

After that, I examine the blood, sniffing it and looking at it closely. It smells like Old Spice cologne… And gunpowder. Yes, that's important. The lenses serve no useful purpose, so I throw them back. I accidentally sniff up the liquid, and lick my nose clean it off.

Tastes like gunpowder, predictably enough, and tears. Well, you know the victim was killed/injured by a gun, crying. And they wore Old Spice cologne. I'm a bit nervous that this could be either one of the Striders. Do they even own Old Spice? I never paid any attention. Well, everyone's still a victim and a suspect.

Guns… Jake is a definite suspect. He could have killed Dave and kidnapped Bro. Then he could've used Bro as a sexslave back at his home…

Um… That's a little farfetched. First of all, Jake probably wouldn't just snap and begin shooting Dave. He also loves Bro too much to shoot him. And Bro would never let Jake kill his little brother and be kidnapped without a fight, even if he's hopelessly in love with the Brit. If anything, Dave could've shot Jake, and Bro could've been crying. That would explain the tears on the floor. But… Bro would've kicked Dave's ass, punished him, and then turned him in to the police. Maybe that's why everyone's gone! But what about the dirt? It's storming like crazy outside, and Dave hasn't left the house. I doubt Bro left either. That leaves Jake… Maybe no one's a suspect. Jake could've been injured really badly by accidentally shooting himself-or getting shot by a stranger- and came running (or limping) over here for Bro's help. The nearest hospital to here is ten miles… Jake lives about twenty miles away from here. He couldn't have walked here. He could've drove close to here, gotten injured, and came crawling here. He could've been too injured to drive safely. Yes…

No! That's preposterous! I sniff the dirt. It has so many unfamiliar smells… I can't determine who tracked this dirt because it smells like a mix of coffee, blood, metal, nutrition, various waste from dogs, and gum. Well, this is a waste of time. I dash over to the bathroom and hop up on the toilet seat, then to the sink, and then I open the mirror-cabinet thing. No Old Spice… I check the trash. No Old Spice container…

The Striders don't use Old Spice! When Jake was holding me, I could've sworn that I smelled that familiar scent. It was faint, but certainly there.

Jake was murdered?! Now Dave is a suspect!

Before I could investigate any further, I hear a knock at the door. On the outside is the voice of a stereotypical Mafia leader. Sounds like a man from New York with a somewhat deep and raspy voice.

"Open the door, English! We know you're in there!"

Well, I'm not Jake, but I'm assuming this has to do with the mess all over the floor. I'm unsure of what to do. What do I do? I'm a fucking cat! Cats can't do anything about it! What do I do?!

Allow the nice men inside for a cup of tea. You could talk out your problems then.

Are you joking?

I'm just trying to lighten the mood from all this murder investigation.

Not in that way, friend. I decide to listen to them through the door. Another voice, less raspy, deeper, and more fast talking says, "Slick, he's smarter than he looks. He most likely went off with his boyfriend and his son."

"Boss, look! A butterfly! It's so pretty… I wanna be a butterfly! Boss, can I be a butterfly?" A higher pitched voice asks happily. I'm assuming that this is the guy in the group whose elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor, but they keep him to use as bait in bad situations. Suddenly, they all say at once, three other voices (one I don't recognize yet) "SHUT UP, DEUCE!"

Poor Deuce… He just wants to be a butterfly. The voice I didn't quiet recognize (British accent, smooth, bored) starts speaking. "All of you sniveling idiots better stop talking and get to acting. Break down the door, Boxcars."

I hear a grunt, and suddenly this "Boxcars" (pfft what a stupid name) guy rams into the door. The noise is loud enough to spook me and send me dashing over into Bro's room. I search the area for something-_anything_-to help me out of this dangerous mess. And then I see it: Sebastian, Lil Seb for short. I've overheard Bro talking about this little robot bunny being a killing machine. I kinda doubt that, but it's my only choice. The only other contraptions are meant for domestic and mundane tasks, and are far too delicate to even get close to these guys. I'm more than sure that they have guns that'll destroy those contraptions. I drag Sebastian by his ears using my teeth and hide in the darkness of the hallway, watching as the door is broken down.

Through the door comes four men, one comically skinny and covered in blood, holding a knife that is also covered in the vital liquid. He looks like he's been through a lot with his lack of a left arm and a scar over one of his eyes, which have pitch black irises. He's wearing this black jacket-trench coat thing with a black spade stitched over his heart. I think this dude could use a hug.

The second is an unnaturally large and burly man, wearing a large trench coat of the same style, heart stitched over his heart. I'm guessing this is Boxcars… I take it back. Boxcars is an okay name… Heh heh… He looks like he could squash me in one hand…

The short, adorably chubby guy is probably Deuce. He's got this curious look on his face and a club-or gray clover, whatever- stitched in the same area as the others.

And finally, there's Mr. "I'm too fancy for this shit". He's the average sized dude with the smoking pipe and a constant bored look on his face. There's a pink diamond on his tux jacket. I'm assuming he's the dude with the accent.

They all begin searching around the house when "Slick" makes a hand movement (with his right hand, of course) that meant "Go ahead". I watch in terror as they trash the house searching for Jake.

"No one's here, Slick." The snobby dude simply states, taking a drag from his pipe. Slick glares at him. "I know that, douchemuffin. We're looking for robotic parts. I need to replace my arm, and quick."

So what I'm taking from this is that these guys have to do with Jake and Bro's job, probably part of the black market of electronics. Jake had gotten severely hurt by these guys and came crawling here for a ride to the hospital, which is too far a walk from wherever he was. Bro convinced Dave to tag along on the trip to assist them, leaving me here to be catnip-high. I'm such a fucking genius. I mentally give myself a pat on the back.

I happy genius time is cut off by Deuce, who had noticed me. I try to make myself smaller, curling up in a ball and hissing. Deuce chuckles and pets me. "Boss! I found a kitty cat! Look! Boss! Isn't he cute?!"

I don't like being petted by someone who had injured Jake. Even if he didn't, he's associated with someone who did. Jake and I are not just friends, but we're somewhat related. He's kind of like a second cousin twice removed to me, but I still love him like family. After all, he took care of me for a whole year while my father was sick and just too busy. Jake is actually pretty important to me. We would always fake-flirt with each other when we met because we looked nearly identical. Sure, I'm shorter, paler, and younger, but we still look all too similar. I would always say "Hey there, handsome!" when he passes by, and he would respond with a double pistols and a wink. Bro never really appreciates it, but we do it anyways just to spite him.

Augh! My mind is trailing off again! I snap back to reality to see all four men looking down at me. Slick grins, making me gulp. "This is perfect. He can be bait to lure Jake and his little family to us! No more searching! HAHA! I'm a fucking genius. Take him, boys!"

The next thing I know, I'm being lifted by Deuce, and then stuffed in a bag. Wow, rude. They could at least put me in a cage. I don't protest, though. Growling and hissing would do no justice for me and it would be a waste of energy. I groan and curl up inside the sack.

"Write a note to let 'em know about their cat."

"Sure thing, Spades."

"Shut up, Droog. I will fucking stab you if you don't get to it!"

Slick was telling Droog to write a note. I heard a the noise of a pen smoothly stroking the paper for a few moments, and then I feel myself being lifted a little and carried out into the storm.

This is too much for me! Be Jake!

Yes, of course. We are now JAKE ENGLISH.

Crikey, today just isn't my day! First, it was going quite well. I had a wonderful breakfast that I cooked myself. I'm pretty damn proud of my cooking skills, too! Then I take a lovely drive to my job as a chef/waiter. It depends on the shift. I enjoy your job. In fact, it's where I met Dirk. While I was still just a waiter, and not a chef, I had to serve him. For some reason, I really liked him and had quite a conversation with him. Then he asked if I'd like to meet at Starbucks and I agreed. It wasn't a date, really. We were just becoming friends until he spilled coffee on his shirt and screamed out various profanities because of the heat. I found that rather amusing and decided to be his friend. I'll probably never forget that day…

Oh, great, I'm rambling again. I have a habit of doing that. Back to my day, I went off your Tuesday shift at work and drove around town a bit. I live on the city limits of Houston, Texas, and I absolutely love to drive around the city, despite the enraging traffic. I just drive my (amazing) green Honda/BMW mix car without a care in the world. The BMHonda, I call it. I then head back home and work on my own robotic project. It's a green helmet, shaped like a skull with these cool flashing lights and stuff. It's gonna be a new awesome computer inspired from this demon my grandmother always told fictional stories to me about. His name is Lord English, and he basically fucks up the universe six times over and throws a tantrum. But he's got some cool powers and this awesome outfit that inspired me to make my own. Even custom shoes… I just think it's pretty cool to have the last name of such a powerful being!

Dammit, I'm doing it again! Rambling! I need to stop. As I was still working on the skull-top, I realized it was getting late and I had to get the robotic parts for Dirk. This is when everything went down the gutter. The guys that are giving me these special parts are a gang called the Midnight Crew. I've had tough times with this group, but I still trade with them so I can stay alive. After all, they did murder my grandma, rob everything from me, and then kidnap me. I never understood why, of all the people they could've ruined, it had to be me. I was already going through relationship drama, college pressure, and emotional/physical instability, and then they just come in and take everything from me! I've tried countless times to kill them or turn them in to the police, but then they would injure me almost fatally and force me to build new parts for them while still injured as punishment. They're all too tough to handle, and I don't want to tell Dirk of this because he would flip and get himself killed trying to defend me. So I take their hits, obey their orders, and trade with them without protest.

But today, Spades Slick was _not_ in a good mood. I had to return some parts because they gave me the wrong ones. This made them very angry, and soon they're all beating on me. They then take out the guns. I took out my pistols and shot back at them until I was out of ammo. I even fought back a bit with my fists, but it's too much. They shot me twice, once in the leg, and once past my head. But the bullet skimmed across my head, so I still took some damage. I was somehow lucky enough to run from them and go to my car. I fumbled for the keys until I realize I don't have them. I looked back to see the Slick had my keys, holding them up with a smirk. I gasp and try to get in my car through the half-opened window. I was able to go in through a half-open car window when I was five, but now I've lost that ability. I'll admit, I love food a tad more than I should…

I squeezed my way out to see that Slick is still urging me towards him with the keys. I'm not dumb enough to go back there. But I am dumb enough to start running away with a broken leg and blood flowing from my forehead. I dash as fast as humanly possible, and now it's storming outside. Wow, just my luck. I keep running until I trip into a puddle of mud. I hear some children laughing at me. As much as I want to strangle them, I have other priorities and pick myself back up. I then try to limp my way to the Strider household. Sure, I'm, like, nearly dead when I get there, but I make it. From then, Dirk and Dave take me to the hospital, which brings me here.

I'm feeling a little drowsy from the drugs the doctor put me on so he could perform surgery without hurting me and triggering me into beating him up…again. Sure, the Midnight Crew can beat me, but I'm no weakling. I've always hated going to the doctor's. In fact, I hate hospitals in general. Doctors are the reason why my parents are dead. They make major mistakes in their surgery and child delivery. So my mother died during childbirth because the doctor did it improperly and my dad died because of a major car accident. He would've lived if the doctor hadn't used the wrong drug and then dropped his tools into the fatal area. I have this vendetta against hospitals, and the workers here know that. I'm kind of a regular visitor because of the Midnight Crew. Everyone there knows me by name due to my violent and (totally not) unreasonable outbursts. They have to drug me as quickly as possible in order to not get hit.

I finally wake up and open my eyes, squinting from the bright hospital room. God, I hate that… I sit up, but feel myself being pushed back down by someone fairly stronger than I am at the moment. It's obviously just the drugs and not my weakness compared to the other. My glasses are currently not on my face, for they have been broken by Deuce. I can't see a damned thing. But I can smell, hear, and feel. The one who pushed me back down was forceful, but gentle and loving…

Dirk pushed me down.

I groan. "Ugh… I have the worst headache…"

"Probably because you got shot in the head." A sarcastic voice snaps. Dave said that.

"Dave, you shut your damn mouth or I'll be forced to have you end up in the emergency room." Dirk…

"Both of you be quiet. No one is going in the emergency room tonight. Be sure to keep Jake down. He needs his blood flowing at an even level or else his headache will get worse." The doctor says. This headache is making me angry… So very angry…

I suddenly lash out, spazzing all over the hospital bed. God, I hate hospital beds… They're so uncomfortable and they smell like death. Death and Clorox.

"GET ME OUTTA THIS HELLHOLE! I HAVE SOME TRENCH COAT COVERED ASS TO KICK!"

It not only takes Dirk to hold me down, but Dave and the doctor as well. They all pin me down and allow me to tire myself out by attempting to escape and yelling out more nonsense. It takes a shorter time than I wanted to go, but these drugs are just making me exhausted. I resort to growling loudly and snapping at anything that gets within the reach of my jaws. Suddenly, Dirk smashes his lips against mine and then softens up on the pressure, kissing me. I immediately calm down and kiss back lazily. He departs after a few seconds and sighs in relief. "That should do it…"

Dave makes a gagging noise. "You two disgust me."

Dirk smirks. I'm too tired to respond to Dave's comment.

The doctor clears his throat. "Sorry to interrupt, but there's five minutes until visiting hours are over." Dirk nods and Dave fist pumps. I'm more than sure that Dirk is making a mental note to punch Dave later on. He gives me one last quick kiss before bidding farewell. Dave rolls his eyes and leaves the room.

That leaves me to think about different ways to kill the Midnight Crew, eventually dozing off.

Be Dave

We are now Dave.

Currently, Bro is driving me home in his brand new car. Now the once-clean back seat is covered in blood and dirt because Jake got himself into another fight. I'm getting pretty damn sick of Jake's fatal lifestyle… Whatever he does…

Bro pulls up in the apartment building's parking lot. I don't notice the destroyed door until I walk up next to Bro in front of my apartment. I... can't believe what I'm seeing! The house is trashed! There is a note on the coffee table, which is basically the only thing besides the couch that took no damage. Bro picks it up and I peek over his shoulder, standing on the tips of my toes to read. In nice cursive handwriting, it says:

Dearest Strider Brothers,

We have your lovely pet in our presence. His fur is undeniably soft and wonderful. We are considering turning him into a nice fur jacket for Deuce, and using his skull as another knick knack for our fireplace. It's going to look positively wonderful. Your feline friend will make a great meal as well. I do hope you will appreciate our resourcefulness. You may come and get him if you don't appreciate it, however.

-The Midnight Crew

… Goddammit Jake.

**And that's the chapter! I'm so sorry about Jake! He's one of my favorites and sometimes you gotta have your favorite characters breathing heavily, covered in blood, and going through all kinds of shit.**

**I'm so sorry.**

**So, in happier news, we have to take care of a friend's pet kitten because he's going out of town. And, this is cute as hell, his kitten looks just like a younger version of my cat. He's almost identical. My cat, Pepper keeps trying to befriend the other cat, Patch, who is not interested in the friendship of other cats. He likes humans much more because he was abandoned as the runt of the litter and our friend took him in. Yes, just like in the movies, only it actually happened. So he's used to humans and only humans. My cat is used to other cats, so he wanted to make a new friend. Patch tries to walk away and stuff and it kinda broke my heart. We kept them in the same room together for two nights in a row, and they're just like a mother kitten and her son! Only, they're both males. It's adorable as fuck and I love them!**

**This is why I love cats, guys.**

**I'm sorry for ranting again, but if you read that then that makes me happy! I love you guys!**

**No homo tho.**

**Also, thanks for giving me over 100 reviews! I didn't notice this until the last second, so I'm gonna write a one-shot of the hundredth reviewer! And that reviewer is...**

***drumroll***

**Neeky-chan! Congratulations! You can pm me what you wish for in the one-shot, kay?**

**I'm so sorry to the others for it being at such short notice! I didn't think that I'd actually get over 100 reviews! You guys are all so awesome! Well, that's that I have to say (thank god, huh?) so goodbye!**

**All of the homo.**


	13. Uh oh, Drama Bomb

**I AM PUMPED! Who knew sandwiches could be so inspirational?**

**Sorry if anything triggers you in this story. There are mentions of suicide… Fuck, my story's getting a little depressing. The mood will be lightened soon, I promise.**

"Bro, this is stupid. The hospital will call us when Jake's ready to get out. I can't believe you woke me up at 5am for this bullshit. We didn't even have breakfast! I don't get why this is a big deal. Jake ends up at the hospital every other week! He's been there so much that they don't even charge him anymore! Why the hell do I have to come?! You could've left by yourself, but noooooo! I have to tag along! You're an asshole, did you know that? You're a fuckin' asshole…"

Dave has been complaining throughout the entire ride. You're annoyed as hell, but you tune him out. You park in the hospital parking lot and drag him inside. The attendant at the desk smiles at you. "Hello, Mr. Strider. You can go ahead. Jake's been surprisingly obedient and quiet last night. I think he's getting better."

You're a little worried, actually. Jake could either be in a really good mood (which is highly unlikely) or passed out. You play it cool and stride to the elevator. You never take the stairs because those are incredibly dangerous. Dave grumbles next to you in the elevator and heaves out a heavy sigh. "You're an asshole…"

You never understood why Dave hates Jake so much. You look at him. "Yo, Dave."

"What the fuck do you want?"

"Why do you hate Jake? He did absolutely nothing to you…"

"Bro, Bro, Bro… You're so stupidly blinded by love! Jake is way too dangerous to be around! You see what happened to our house?! And Biscuit?! Jake is why this is a thing that is happening! You know, we could be chillin' in the apartment like we usually did before you met that douchebag. And there is nothing likable about him except for his looks and that fucking retarded accent of his! Now those dudes that kidnapped Biscuit are waiting for us to come and get him so they could shoot us! And-"

The elevator doors open. You walk out, Dave following behind to continue his rant.

"And, you 'love' him too much to dump his sorry ass. It sickens me, actually. Jake has gotten us in too many dangerous situations and, to be honest, I'm sick and tired of them! He still has this 'adventure' fetish, and continues to pull you into it. And because I just so happen to be your brother, you drag me into it as well! So, why do I hate Jake, you ask? Because I'm afraid he's gonna get us killed! I'm afraid he's gonna get…you killed… Bro, I don't want you to die."

You stop in your tracks and stare over at Dave. He keeps, talking.

"Bro, I know more about Jake than you think. In his past, he was a heartbreaker, a cheater, and a douchebag. He also has a tendency to accidentally kill small animals. Bro, what do you think happened to your hamster?"

"Munchie?"

"Yes! Jake fuckin shot it! He thought it was a rat, and shot it! He begged me not to tell you, so I told you that Munchie ran away! Jake has a lot of problems. _You_ have a lot of problems! And Jake has got to do with about 99% of them. That's why I hate Jake! He is the equivalent of every self-destructive human on this planet! And he'll bring you down with him!"

You stare at Dave for a long moment. Then you sigh. "Dave…"

"No! There is nothing you can say or do that will make me change my mind! I-"

"Dave, shut the fuck up for a moment and listen to me." Your tone is dead serious. Dave shuts his mouth.

"I understand what you're trying to say. I know that Jake is destructive, accident-prone, unstable, and trigger-happy. I know that Jake is dangerous to be around. I know that it's really hard to like Jake. But I think you need to know that Jake is all of these things because he went through a lot of bullshit, and he's still recovering. There are reasons why I drag you into this. It's not only to help you like Jake better, but it's to help me too. I love him to death, but I would dump him for you. But if I were to dump him, he would end up getting himself killed, or even killing himself. Dave, Jake has too many problems to deal with himself, but he still smiles. Listen, Dave. Jake needs help. He needs a lot of help. Kicking him to the curb will damage him too much, and he will not be able to manage himself. Jake really likes you, Dave. And he wants you to like him… But you keep worrying about me! Dave, I'm gonna be fine! The apartment is trashed and Biscuit is in captivity, but guess what? Everything's gonna work out. So quit whining about Jake because he isn't the enemy. Can you at least pretend to like him?"

Dave looks at the freshly mopped floor.

"Please, Dave. If not for Jake, do it for me. That would make me feel a billion times better."

Dave lets out a deep sigh. "Fine…"

"Now let's get him outta here and kick some Midnight Crew ass."

He nods, and follows you to Jake's room. When you walk in, however, Jake isn't there. The window is open and his leg cast is just sitting there on the floor. There is a note written in his own blood on the hospital bed. It's pretty hard to read, but not totally illegible.

"_Dirk, I am incredibly sorry, but I couldn't stay here all night. I know that they have been to your house and I have gone to get revenge. If you're reading this, I am most likely at their hideout. I may or may not have stolen a car. I apologize for the inconvenience. Oh god, I feel a bit woozy… I'm losing a lot of blood… Love you, sweetie!"_

Dave reads it as well, chuckling darkly. "See? This is what I fucking mean!"

Be John.

You are now Biscuit, and you are currently in a cage, on a table at the Midnight Crew hideout. Yep… Life is hard…

The place is actually pretty nice once you get deeper inside. At first, it's a small abandoned warehouse that looks pretty insignificant. But then, there's the basement, which is a lot like a fancy home. There are plenty of bedrooms for them all and their victims-err-guests, each one just as extravagant as the next, in their own special way. Even the kitchen, where Droog cooks for everyone, it is very fancy and clean. Then there's the living room. You are currently on the dark wooden and glass coffee table in here and it's beautiful. Nice hardwood flooring, old-fashioned wall, maroon leather sofa and loveseat, a fancy wooden wardrobe with unknown contents, and a flat-screen TV above the fireplace. Everything in the area is candlelit. It's actually quite romantic… You wouldn't mind bringing a certain Strider here for a date…

What the fuck? Dave should NOT be on your mind right now! Romance shouldn't either!

fUCK,

Slick enters the room, casually walking up to your cage, holding a bloody knife. Ugh… What is with this guy and knives? You can only go so far with those before you gotta get a gun, y'know?

"I don't know your name, so I'm gonna give you one… How does Cookie sound, hmm? You like?"

You wonder why everyone keeps naming you after baked goods… The other day Bro called you "Cupcake"…

"So, Cookie… I think you should know why you're here. I'm assuming you can understand me because you were smart enough not to protest when we kidnapped you."

You snort.

"Now, I think you should know why we brought you here. We have a very special client. He's our favorite, in fact. His name is Jake English. He's been working with us for years now, building, trading, cooking for us… He makes a killer pumpkin pie… But he only does this because we force him to. If he's disobedient, then he gets hurt, or killed. Of course, we don't wanna kill him because he's so very loyal. You're probably wondering how we met. Well, hehe… It's a long story. But I'll tell you anyways."

You groan as he opens the wardrobe to reveal many bones, skulls mostly. They are real, no doubt. You can still smell them from here… He picks up a certain one, cracked a little, as though it were hit in the head when it was alive. Slick starts talking to you again, pacing back and forth and holding the skull.

"This is the skull of Miss English, a single woman, a widow, who cared for Jake. She raised him well, baking him cookies, kissing him goodnight, spoiling him because she loved him so very much." He smirks. "We murdered her and took Jake in for ourselves. He was incredibly disobedient. But we whipped him into shape. Quite literally, too. He has been working for us for so long, but I believe that it's about time for him to die. Don't you agree?"

You hiss at him. He chuckles.

"Of course you do. Cats are apathetic creatures, sent here on Earth from Hell."

That's a lie! Cats are lovable, soft, and cute! Wait, you're not even a cat… You're not supposed to defend cats… Well, you have a better understanding for those cats who hate everyone. With everything you've been through, they have many reasons to do so. You wonder how dog's put up with all this human bullshit…

"We are waiting for the Striders to come along so we can get rid of them. If we trap the Striders and hold a gun to them, he'll be more obligated to do what we want. And when he finishes… Boom, boom! All of your little human friends are dead! Jake, Dirk…" He grins.

"Dave."

You hiss at him again, louder this time. You wonder how they know so much, but figure that they had probably squeezed the information out of Jake through torture. Your thoughts are incorrect, for Slick answers for you.

"You're probably wondering how we know so much. Well, Jake wouldn't tell us, no matter how much pain we put him through. He loves the Striders too much to pull them into this. But we have a few friends up in space that helped us. They're called 'trolls', an interesting species. These guys are quite reliable. There are two on Earth: Feferi and Eridan. Then, there are two in space: Vriska and Gamzee. They have survived some mass killing of their species and moved into the International Space Station, killing the people who were already there. Vriska has mind control powers, so she forced Jake to tell us. Gamzee is a magical being, I believe. He's useful for killing those we don't want to deal with… They're all so precious."

The last thing you want to hear about are trolls. You're beginning to hate these guys…

"It's all part of the plan. After all of this, we'll be filthy fucking rich! And you can join us, if you'd like to. We do need a pet around the house. What do you think? Having all sorts of money, fucking shit up, having more power than the president… It sounds great, doesn't it?"

You hiss again. Having all of that sounds awesome, but if it kills so many people, then count you out! You're too emotional for that kind of lifestyle. Slick chuckles. "You're gonna love it, trust me."

You stare at him, and he puts the skull back in the wardrobe. He closes it and walks up to you. "Anyways, I was thinkin-"

_BOOM_

A bullet goes straight through Slick's head, going in through his left ear and flying out, blasting through the right side of his head. Slick falls to the floor, a puddle of blood forming under his head. His brains were blasted all the way to the wall… Holy shit.

The shooter was someone you don't quite recognize. (S)he's wearing a large green robe with flashing lights, a golden boot on their left foot that somehow matches with the green one on the right. The only reason you can't tell is because the room reeks of blood and gore and you can't catch their scent. Plus, it's hard to tell who it is since they have this flashy green skull helmet on their head. (S)he comes closer and looks over at you.

"Cheerio, Biscuit! I have come here to rescue you. The others are on lunch break, so we must be quick!"

It's Jake. There's no way it's anyone else. Where the hell did he get that outfit? He digs into the dead man's pockets and pulls out a set of keys. He examines them carefully, and then looks at your cage. Then he picks one in particular, puts it in, and unlocks the cage. Whoa…

He picks you up and smiles. "The Striders will be chuffed when I show them that I had saved you! Let's go, then!"

Jake turns around to see Boxcars, Droog, and Deuce. All three of them have guns aimed at you two. Jake growls.

"Oh, God dammit!"

**Merrrrr depressing chapter is depressing… I apologize, after a fight scene next chapter, there will be more happiness and silliness! Yes, it is Wednesday, April 10****th****.**

**You know what that means~**

**Anyways, I made the one-shot for Neeky-chan. It's called "Dragonflies" if you wanna go read it. With that, I must go.**

**All of the homo.**


	14. Bang, Bang, Another One Bites the Dust

**W00T I am on a roll! Seriously, yo. I'm pumped! I'm piggy pumped!**

**TRIGGER WARNING: Death. A lot of death. But since you guys read Homestuck, this shouldn't be a problem.**

Jake drops you on the floor and takes out his gun again. Being a cat, you gracefully land on your ass and roll over to your feet. You totally nailed it. Totally.

"Ah, so I see that you checked out of the hospital. You're a fast healer, English." Droog smirks. Jake rolls his eyes, or at least you think so. That helmet is covering his eyes, but he makes this head motion that hints at it.

"Must you be so damn corny? Honestly, you act like you're in a movie or some fucked up fanfiction. You could easily just shoot me. So go for it. Try."

Droog laughs. "No, that won't be necessary. You have to build some things for us first. You know how to mess with eyesight, so we're gonna need an invisibility device and special night vision glasses with depth perception. Also, we need a weapon that will kill by touch. I know you're capable of it. So get working or die."

Jake growls. "No!" Droog shoots him in the foot, causing him to jump up and grab it, dropping the gun.

"Listen to me, Jake. I don't wish to hurt you until it's all over. I suggest you do it." He pauses, then chuckles. "I'm quite surprised, actually. You came here before the Striders. What a stupid move of you."

You back up to the corner of the room, watching the scene. You could've sworn you heard the slight movement of a sword being pulled out… Something smells like pizza…and oil…

But not a bad kind of oil smell.

Be Bro because he's obviously there.

What are you talking about?

Uh…

That's what I thought. You are still Biscuit.

Jake hisses and endures the pain in his foot. Then he reaches out for his pistol, just to barely avoid a bullet aimed for his hand. "You bloody wanker!"

"Jake, your British is showing…" Droog steps towards him. Jake hisses at him, grabs the gun, and immediately pulls the trigger, aiming for Droog. The man takes the bullet in his left shoulder and begins cursing up a storm.

"You! Boxcars, kill him!"

Boxcars grins and runs up to Jake. Jake drops the gun and tries to run away, but Boxcars quickly grabs him by his neck and punches him on the side of the face, breaking the helmet in two. It falls to the ground to reveal a very frightened Jake. You gulp. Jake does the same. Boxcars punches him again and throws him against the wall. Jake falls down, limp on the ground. You gasp, but you're not sure what to do. Jake slowly tries to lift himself up, but then Droog shoots him again and he falls to the floor again.

Oh no… Nonononononononononono!

This is not a thing that is happening! Jake is not dead… Not dead! He can't be dead! That's stupid! He still owes you twenty bucks!

You not sure what to think, but you're incredibly pissed off. Something within you is growing, like a forest fire. You dash up to Droog and run up his leg and back to attack his face. He drops his gun screams out various profanities, trying to pry you off of his face, but you seek vengeance. You scratch and bite and kick and rip. It's a wonderful technique you learned from bath time with Dave. Suddenly, Droog grunts, lowers his hands slowly, and then drops down on his knees, limp. You jump off of him to see a sword going through his chest. Holding that sword is Bro. You gasp.

Ha! So he was there!

Hush and read the story.

Boxcars growls and runs over to Jake, ready to finish him Mortal Kombat style. Jake is still slightly moving, thank god. But Boxcars plans on changing that… Bro smiles, confusing you, but it doesn't take long for you to figure out why.

Before Boxcars can do anything, Dave flash-steps behind him and swiftly slices through his neck with a broken sword. Boxcars stands still for a long moment. Then his head slides off of his body as he falls down backwards.

Well you're genuinely grossed out. There is way too much death going on in here. You think you might puke…

All three of you look at Deuce, who had been mourning over Slick's death the entire time. He's kneeling down next to his former boss, crying. When he realizes that all eyes are on him, he flees out of the room.

Jake isn't moving anymore. Bro sighs and looks down. Dave looks concerned. Then he gets on top of Jake and shakes him violently. "Yo Jake, wake up. It's over."

No response.

"Jake, get up!"

Nothing.

"Jake…"

You wonder why Dave is suddenly so concerned about Jake. Last time you checked, he hated him… Dave groans and preforms mouth-to-mouth. You look back at Bro. He frowns a bit. It's obvious he doesn't want Dave all over his boyfriend. Either that, or he's just worried.

Dave lifts his head and wipes his mouth. "Aw fuck you taste like blood! Fuck this shit, I'm done!" He gets off of Jake and growls.

Bro laughs. It's not a genuine laugh. It's a worried laugh. Dave looks over at you and Bro. Then he shakes his head. "I couldn't even feel a pulse…"

Bro furrows his eyebrows. "Get him in the car."

Be Dave

You are now Dave from the PAST. And by past, I mean ABOUT AN HOUR AGO IN THE CAR.

"Bro, I think you should drop me off at home. I'll clean up what the douchebags messed up while you go save Jake. Sound like a deal?"

"No."

"Uh… Look, I don't think I'd be very useful. Should I just walk home?"

"No."

"I know you're worried about Jake. But I think you should just drop me off."

"No."

The entire car ride, Bro only said one word to you: "No". You're a little concerned. He's pissed, you can tell. You look down at your hands, then back up to Bro.

"Did Jake know that there was a pen in that room?"

"There was no paper."

"So he writes in his own blood?"

"He has an interesting mindset."

"I think that's a little creepy."

"Me too."

"Wait… You agree with me?"

"No."

"…"

"You're going to help. I don't care what you say or do, but if Jake dies, it's going to be your fault."

"Bro…"

He has nothing else to say. You sigh and look out the window. Bro is not in a positive mood. It's obvious that all is wants you to do…is care.

Present time

_Beep_

"Beep"

_Beep_

"Beep"

_Beep_

"Beep"

_Beep_

"Beep"

You are now-

_Beep_

"Beep"

Biscuit-

_Beep_

"Beep"

Strider and-

_Beep_

"Beep"

Bro growls and glowers at Dave. "Say 'beep' ONE MORE TIME!"

"Beep?"

Bro punches Dave in the stomach. Dave groans and doubles over. "I'm s-so fucking sorry…"

Right now, Jake is lying down on the hospital bed, hanging onto life. The doctor is not present, but Jake is hooked up to about three machines. Dave, bored as hell, had been mocking the heartbeat-beeping machine for a while. Bro is quite done with Dave's bullshit and you… You're not sure how to feel. Jake seems to be dying, Dave is trying to lighten up the mood, and Bro is in the worst mood possible. Think about every negative word, phrase, and tone in every language, mix it into one mood, and bake it into a disgusting cake. Bro is acting as though he had eaten that cake.

The machine is beeping at a slower pace.

Bro frowns.

The beeps go slower.

Bro whimpers. You look down. Dave has a concerned look on his face.

The machine no longer has little triangles on it; there is simply a red line. It lets out a long, annoying _beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep_.

Bro is trembling. You can tell that he wants to cry really loudly. Either that, or go on a major rampage and destroy everything in his path. You mew quietly, and then Bro snaps.

"No…"

Dave gulps. "Bro, before we do anything we will regret-"

"Hell no. No… NONONONONONO!" Bro gets up on the hospital bed on top of Jake and slaps him multiple times. "Get up! Please, get up! Jake, this isn't funny!"

"Bro, get off the bed." Dave sighs.

"Please…" Bro holds back his tears.

"Bro…" Dave stands up.

"Meow." You're trying to tell them both to sit down.

"Jake… Please…" Bro shakes him.

_Beep_

"Jake?" Bro says.

"Jake?" Dave says.

"Meow?" You say.

_Beep_

"Jake!" Bro grins.

"Jake!" Dave gasps.

"Meow!" You purr.

_Beep_

_Beep_

_Beep_

_Beep_

Jake sits up on the bed, groaning. He looks around, then at Bro. Then he screams and pushes Bro off of him. He hops out of the bed, ripping himself from the machines, and then he punches Dave and attempts to run out the room. You run up and bite the bottom of his hospital robe to pull him back. Bro gets up off the floor and tackles Jake down to the floor. Dave is trembling on the floor in pain.

The doctor runs in the room from hearing all the noise. He then face-palms. "Jake…"

Bro smiles. "Jake!"

Dave groans in pain. "Fuck…"

You purr and sit down. "Meow."

Jake stops thrashing about. "What the bullocks are you all doing?!"

"You're alive…" Bro happily sighs. Jake blinks. "I was alive this whole time. Shucks buster, I was just unconscious!"

"But… your heartbeat…"

"Well, I did see a light, and while I was considering going towards it, something slapped me…"

Dave laughs. You snicker. Bro sighs in relief. The doctor sighs in exasperation. "I take it that you're not gonna die today, Mr. English?"

Jake grins. "It's most certainly not on my schedule!"

The doctor seems a bit disappointed at that, but Jake doesn't seem to notice. Bro stands up. Jake does the same, brushing himself off. Then he looks around. The doctor then says, "Jake, you need to lie down and take a few medications to relieve pain and-"

You cling onto the robe again as Jake pushes the doctor out of the way and dashes out of the room.

He must really hate the hospital…

The doctor and Bro shout something at him, but you're too occupied in hanging on to listen. Jake continues to dart through the hallways to find the elevator.

Out of order.

He looks back to see two nurses running after him and calling his name. Jake immediately heads for the stairs.

You panic a little as he runs down them because all the experience you have with stairs has to do with falling. It's like some kind of contagious thing that happens when you hang out with Striders.

Jake doesn't fall, thankfully, but he does make it to the floor of childbirth.

Oh, how pleasant.

Jake doesn't seem to notice where he is, but the nurses are hot on his tail, so he does the sensible thing and hides in one of the rooms.

It just so happens that they are currently delivering a baby. Jake sighs and then suddenly realizes where they are.

"Come on, you can do it! Push! Push!"

The lady screams. You just sit there with a horrified look on your face.

Oh god… You think you've seen enough blood for the day. Thankfully, you hold back your lunch and look away. Jake has this blank look on his face now. He turns on his heel and walks out of the room. The nurses are right in front of him. Jake turns himself in.

"You know, they say childbirth is magic. That's far from the truth…" The nurses chuckle and drag him back to his room.

Later

Bro is driving everyone home. Dave is in the passenger seat, getting gradually pissed off at a game on his phone. Jake is in the back seat, holding and petting you in his lap. You're purring and nuzzling him because being petted is just the best feeling.

"Bro, we literally haven't eaten anything all day! Can't we just get at least a burger or something?" Dave complains. Bro chuckles. "After all that, you're still willing to eat. Fuck, if we did eat, I would've lost all my lunch. Too much death in one day…" Jake decides to butt into the conversation. "Personally, a little snack sounds positively wonder-"

"Shut up, asshole! No one was talking to you!" Dave isn't very nice when he's hungry.

"Jesus Christopher Kringlefucker, I was on your side of the argument!"

"You're the reason this argument is happening!"

"Dave, put the seatbelt back on."

"Fuck no! I got some English ass to kick!"

"W-wait! I'm sorry! None of this is my fault-"

"Dave, get back in the passenger seat."

"I HATE YOU!"

"D-dirk! I'm in dire need of assist-OW!"

"TAKE THIS! AND THAT! AND A LITTLE BIT OF THIS!"

"Strider, please! I'm sorry!"

"Meow…"

"YOU ASSHOLE… I WISH YOU AND BRO NEVER MET!"

"Dirk!"

"Meow…"

"Dave, please sit down before I CRASH THE GODDAMN CAR!"

"Meow…"

"SHUT UP, BISCUIT!" Everyone else says this to you at once. You look down. Bro and Jake both sigh, Jake kissing the top of your head and whispering an apology. You purr louder,

Dave doesn't like this... He sits next to Jake and snatches you from him. "I'm so sorry, Biscuit… I love you~"

Dave coos at you. You purr and nuzzle him. Jake grumbles angrily. Bro sighs heavily.

It's obvious that Dave was a little jealous of Jake. You can't help it if he's so good at petting… Since Jake is sitting in the middle seat in the back, he's right next to Dave. He looks over to Dave and tries to befriend him.

"Dave… What if I took you out to dinner?"

"Fuck no."

"Dave, please. Take a second to listen to me. I think it would be much simpler if we'd just get along. Why do you hate me?"

"Do you want me to say 'Aw, I don't hate you. We're cool," or do you want me to tell you honestly why I want to RIP YOUR FUCKIN HEART OUT?!"

Startled, you jump off of Dave and sit on Jake's lap. Dave glares at you. "Traitor..."

You shrug.

Jake sighs. "Please tell me so I can change it."

Dave chuckles darkly and Bro rolls his eyes.

"Why do I hate you? Well, I already explained this bullshit to Bro. So I'll keep it short. You are a danger to be around-"

"All the more to make you more entertained at home."

"… You're self-destructive, irresponsible-"

"Just like every other human… Maybe a bit more, but I had a lot on my plate."

"You're a douche, a heartbreaker, and an idiot!"

"I'll admit, that is true. But I have stopped in cheating a long, long time ago."

"You're trigger-happy…"

"Indeed I am. After working with people like the Midnight Crew nearly all my adult life, I have quite a few reasons to be a little…nervous…"

"Well, you….you…. Did you admit to one of my insults?"

"Yes."

"… Oh shit, I thought you were cocky enough not to believe that. Fuck, Jake you're none of those things."

If "?" were a sound, that particular sound would be coming out of Jake's mouth right now. Dave sighs. "I'm sorry, dude… Bro told me everything about you. Well, everything he was willing to tell… I still don't like you. But I pity you. I pity you a lot. So I guess you're alright…"

Jake has the happiest little smile on his face. Unable to contain himself, Jake hugs Dave and giggles. He's usually not very religious, but…

"THANK YOU LORD JESUS! I THOUGHT YOU'D HATE ME FOREVER!"

Dave groans and pushes Jake away. "Yeah, whatever…" You sit back on Dave's lap. He smiles down at you. Then Bro finally speaks.

"Dave, you're having dinner with Jake. Biscuit's stayin' at home with me."

"You asshole!"

"Aw, come on, Dave! It'll be just you and me! I can smell a new friendship blossoming!" Jake squeezes Dave in his hug.

You look back and forth as everyone starts arguing again. You sigh.

Sometimes, families have to argue for arguing's sake.

You think those are the best families.

**Augh, yes! I finally got this chapter through! After a friend's visit, Tumblr blog editing (still in progress, like how do you get those box things to not cut off the posts?), and laziness, I finally made it. I'm not necessarily proud, but hey. Here's your chapter. There's one more before John gets to walk on two legs again!**

**I'm really looking forward to writing that chapter because that was the first thing on my mind before making the story! Then I decided to write it, just for fun. I honestly never realized how popular this would get! Thank you guys so much!**

**Sorry for ranting. You may move on with other things in life now.**

**All of the homo.**


	15. The Replacement

**Do you ever just…**

***lays down on the floor and sighs, staring at the ceiling***

You are DAVE STRIDER.

I am going to murder Bro three times over Hussie style. Why? Because I am currently in the car with Jake driving. It's a silent ride. I don't think we'd agree with music. Bro just wants us to get along and I just want food. The silence is too tense…

Ugh…

"So… Jake."

He jumps a little bit, startled by the sudden noise. "Y-yes, Strider?"

"You stole a car?"

"Maybe…"

"How the fuck did you steal a car after getting shot like three times?"

"It was a convertible. They forgot to put the thing up."

"What happened to it?"

Jake shrugs. I just look at him. "You just stole a car and left it there? What about the owner?"

"It belongs to the doctor."

"You stole the doctor's car?!"

"He deserved it… I fucking hate doctors…"

I'll admit I'm no huge fan of doctors either. "Wow…uh…okay."

Jake looks over at me. "What happened to your shades, Strider?"

I was hoping he wouldn't ask that question. It was probably on his mind yesterday, but there were other things going on… I sigh and decide to just be honest with him. I know he'll pester me until I willingly tell the truth, so there's no point in protesting. "I broke them."

"Really? Wow, I thought they were invincible. After all you've been through, they were still intact!"

"Yeah…"

"What happened?"

I want to tell him. I wanted to talk to someone about it. But if I talked to Bro about it, he'd try to avoid the conversation. In fact, he tries not to talk about John. He also whispers things to Biscuit around me and it seems like they have this thing going on that I'm not in on. It's really irritating… Telling Jake probably wouldn't hurt.

"I made a mistake, Jake…"

If "?" were a sound, Jake would be making that particular sound. I continue to talk.

"You know John, right?"

"Of course! He looks like me!"

"Yeah, well I insulted a dead family member of his, and hit him. A lot… Just because I was in a pissy mood that day…"

"Oh my…"

"He stopped talking to me since. The girls have no idea what happened and he refuses to respond to me. I got a little angry a couple of weeks ago and smashed the shades he gave me."

"Well, have you ever thought about how John might be hurt or unable to get internet access?"

"I have, but Bro keeps telling me otherwise. He says John is perfectly fine, but he is temporally unable to speak to me…"

"Well, maybe Dirk knows what happened to John."

"Maybe so… But he refuses to tell me! It's really irritating! No matter how many times I ask, he stays silent or says 'no'."

"Well, I've learned from experience to just not question Dirk. He often has a plan up his sleeve that will put everything in order. I say that you should be patient."

I look over at Jake. He keeps his eyes on the road, but acknowledges me with a smile. I decide to ask him a question. "So what got you involved with those trench coat douchebags?"

Jake freezes up for a moment, a look of horror in his face. He loses control of the wheel while frozen and the car swerves.

I panic and take the wheel, avoiding a few cars and trying to stay in the lane. Jake snaps out of it and takes control again.

"Sorry… I don't like to think about that…"

"Can you tell me?"

He nods and gulps. "I used to have a Grandmother. I was also keen on building electronics. I still am, and getting better. But the Midnight Crew wanted world domination or some kind of bullshit like that. They had their eyes on me and my robot building with Dirk. Since they have no experience with such, they killed my Grandmother and took me in. However, they aren't really the nicest of kidnappers…"

Now I feel really guilty. I didn't know that Jake was kidnapped. I thought he agreed to work with them just so he could get robotic supplies. I didn't think Jake was the type to get kidnapped. At least, not without a fight.

"Wow, dude… And you had to deal with them?"

"Yes. I tried moving out of the state and hiding from them, but for some reason they always found me. Sometimes I swear that they have so kind of spy from space checking me through GPS or something…"

"Ha, they probably do."

"I hope they're still not working for them. I don't want to be involved with anyone else."

He pulls into the Applebee's parking lot and finds a spot. Then, being the gentleman he is, he opens your car door for me. I mutter a thanks to him and follow him inside. Maybe Jake isn't _that_ bad…

Maybe.

Be Jake

You are now BISCUIT and you-

Are you deaf or something?

You are now BISCUIT and you are watching TV with Bro.

I've grown to like the man more and more every day. It's nice because he actually treats me like another human being. I'm pretty grateful about Bro's acceptance.

However, he still subconsciously pets me, which I love. I may or may not have a bromantic crush on Bro, but not nearly as much as Dave.

Hell, if anyone pets me the right way, I'm theirs forever.

Bro looks down at me and smiles, pulling a laser light out of his pockets.

Oh, not that thing… I already cleared that I'm not gonna chase it with Dave. Now I have to tell Bro that I'm not an idiot. He turns it on and moves the little red dot around on the floor. I just look at him. Bro just grins at me. I groan and look back at the red dot. It's taunting me… I could've sworn that the little fucker flipped me off in Morse code. I glare at it. There it is… Spinning in little taunting circles, beckoning me…

Must…not…chase…

Give in to your cat instincts and maul that little fucker.

I gladly do so and pounce. Bro chuckles and moves it just out of my way. I growl and pounce again; it moves again. Then it starts moving away from me. Swiftly, I chase it across the room, following its sharp turns and spinning. Bro moves the laser light behind me. I spin after it, but it's still behind me.

?

I begin to chase it, spinning in circles. I'm beginning to feel a little dizzy, but I must hunt down the red dot! Finally, I fall down out of dizziness, and now there are five different dots. This is not happening… _**FIVE?!**_

They're all moving in sync like synchronized dancers. I hate it, so I try to attack every single one, only to discover that all of them are intangible and that there's only one. They morph back into the original and I pounce at it. Bro's getting a kick outta this, laughing on the couch. Then he tries a new approach, making it run away towards a wall. Ha! Dead end, sucker.

I continue to chase it until it goes up the wall. Then I jump. It moves up and I slam face-first into the wall and slowly slide back down to the floor. Bro is laughing hysterically, nearly falling off the couch. I growl and walk up to him. Then I realize that he dropped the little laser. I grin and pick it up with my teeth. Bro stops laughing and stares at me.

Looks like I figured out how to catch the light.

I run over to the bathroom and, luckily for me, the door is open. Bro quickly tries to chase after me, but cats are surprisingly faster than humans. The narrator knows this from experience…

I drop the laser down the toilet and paw at the trigger. At the last minute, right before Bro can stop me, I successfully flush it down.

...

Booyah!

Be Jake.

You are now Dave.

God damn it.

We are driving back from the restaurant. Jake is surprisingly a better guy than I thought. He didn't complain when I asked for the most expensive thing on the menu and ordered dessert to go with it, just to spite him. He's pretty rich, high-middle class, but people usually don't like losing that much money for a simple meal. He even gave a tip from the both of us. Sometimes I just wonder why Jake is so keen on pleasing me. I gotta applaud his tenacity…

When I think about it, Jake has done nothing (directly) bad to me or Bro. In fact, he's done nothing but good things. Hell, he even cooks and buys food for the two of us. I'll will never admit it, but I've always loved Jake's food and looked forward to it. Sighing, I look up at Jake.

"I'm sorry for being a-"

"It's not your fault, Strider. I understand that you and your friend are having issues and that your school is full of little shits. I dealt with many things that pissed me off but it got better. I do believe the same will happen to you."

I smile at him a little. Jake's an okay guy, I suppose.

"Strider, is there anything in particular that you'd like? I believe cheering you up would be advisable."

I think for a moment. Then I grin.

"Well…"

Later

I didn't think he'd do it, but he did. He drove me to the accessories shop. He walks me inside and smiles. "Ok, Strider. I'll search on the left side of the store and you search the right. Understand?"

"Yeah, whatever"

I go search the right side of the store. The shop is quite large for accessories shop. It holds anything and everything for your styling needs. From hair clips to sunglasses to hats. You name it, they've got it.

I observe the scarves and boas, tempted to put one on... For ironic purposes, of course. It's ironic I swear. Even if I genuinely wanna try on that fabulously sexy red boa. It would go so well with my shirt...

What the fuck did I just think? Ok, I'll admit that I'm a bit of a fashionista. But no one shall know that... I turn around to check another area and come face to face with a leering latex horse mask in front of me. Of course, I do the most manly, responsible, calm thing possible in response.

I flip the fuck out, scream like a five year old in a horror movie, and almost piss myself. I also fall gracefully on my ass.

I hear British chuckling from inside the horse mask and immediately recognize it as Jake. That motherfucker! I grit my teeth and flip the bird at him. He just laughs some more and removes the horse mask. "Oh, shucks buster, you should've seen your bloody face!"

"You know what, Jake? Fuck you!"

He ruffles my hair and smiles. "Guess what I found~"

"What? Another disturbing outfit to mentally scar me for the rest of my life?"

"Not even close!" He pulls out something from behind him. Is that...? No, they can't be! They look just like the original!

A brand new pair of aviators. I put them on.

Perfection.

It's official. I more than willingly accept Jake. The shades remind me of John for a moment, but I push him out of my mind. It's obvious that he's moved on, so I will too. John could be burning in hell for all I care.

BE JAKE BE JAKE BE JAKE BE JAKE

You are now Jade.

WHAT THE FUCK?!

I have learned to get along more and more with Eridan. He's surprisingly much nicer than I expected. Sure, he'll hit on me and make moves on me from time to time, but it's nothing bad. I'm actually quite flattered. But I don't really think it'd be right to have a relationship with someone not of my species.

He also told me about how his friends, the Midnight Crew just died yesterday. They were going to help him and his species, but then they were killed or something. He was pretty sad, but also sure they most likely deserved it.

I've learned to deal with Feferi being a zombie and all, and I even feed her special food. It's kinda like taking care of a little zombie fish.

I love it.

Eridan can be pretty grumpy, but he's a good guy. He's especially good whenever I give him cookies. He also adds his magic-er-science into my machines. Now they work like a charm.

The two of us are sitting at the bank of the lake that my island surrounds. He's talking to me about his old troll friends. I'm only halfway listening, for I already know about Eridan's friends. Well, what they are from Eridan's point of view…

There's Karkat, a good friend of his that tends to get really grumpy at times, but he tried his best to lead his group to success, only tragically ending in failure. Aradia is a girl that Eridan doesn't really interact with, but he does know that she can screw around with time, space, and death. Tavros seems like a kind soul, a dreamer. He wanted nothing more than to fly…or at least walk, considering the fact that he was crippled. Nepeta was another that Eridan didn't interact with much, mostly because she ate seafood and "shipped" him with others, which is pretty weird in my opinion. Kanaya…

Well, Eridan doesn't like to talk about her.

Then there's Terezi, a rather odd character. Eridan didn't really like being around her because of her licking and sniffing habits to make up for her blindness. Vriska was something else… She and Eridan had a kissmeswhatever for a while, but they weren't _total_ enemies. Plus, she mysteriously disappeared somewhere. Equius… Eridan just said he was weird. He built robots and sweated a lot, but you think there's probably more to him than that. Then there was Gamzee…

Eridan doesn't like to talk about him either. He does know that Gamzee also disappeared at the same time as Vriska, which I find a little odd. Eridan just shrugs and assumes they're either dead or together. That relationship probably wouldn't work out so he really doesn't give a shit.

Feferi… Well, I already know how he feels about her…

You know, I really don't care. Can we please be Jake? Pretty please with a cherry on top?

Hmm…

Come on… come on…

You are now Biscuit.

YOU MOTHERFUCKER

While Bro is petting me and eating some Doritos, Jake and Dave just barge into the house. Dave, for the first time in weeks, has this genuine smile on his face. Jake also looks happy and alive as ever. I wonder what happened… Did they make out or something? Either way, I'm happy about this. They're getting along! But there is a problem…

Dave is wearing shades. They look just like his old ones, only they aren't his old ones. Did Jake get him some new shades…? Did…he…replace me…?

"Bro! Your boyfriend is awesome!" Dave runs up to Bro and hugs him, kinda squishing me but whatever. Dave rambles on about what happened while Jake sits down on the couch. I listen carefully to him.

"First, things weren't so great. But then Jake was helping me and stuff. He even got me these awesome new shades and some aj!"

I look over at Jake. He's scratching the back of his head with the stupidest grin on his face. I hope that scratching means he has head lice.

Nobody just takes Dave from me. Nobody…

Later

"Y'know, Biscuit… I remember when I was sobbing over John. But now I think I got over him. Jake is a very good replacement. He even looks like him! Sure, our chances of being together are incredibly small, considering his relationship with Bro, but I think that we could just feel totally platonic with each other. I don't need a relationship anyways! I'm too cool for that bullshit."

I'm incredibly pissed, depressed, and overall in a very bad mood. Dave has gotten over me… He only had about day and a half left to wait, but now it's over. I don't even care that he's petting and hugging me. I'm a cat. That's what people do to cats. It'd be no different if I was any other cat.

I begin to think about how much Dave would hate me when he sees me as a human again… That's when I jump off of him and the bed and run out of his room, apathetic to Dave's hurt feelings from me leaving him. I just want someone to talk to, not pet and hug me. Bro would know what to say…

Bro is sitting on the couch with Jake straddling him. They seem a bit busy eating each other's faces to be bothered by me. Now I'm just feeling unwanted. Does anyone even care anymore? Is Dad still searching for me, or has he given up? Is there anyone out there left to really care?

I run over and hide in a pile of smuppets to cry. Well, I can't cry because I'm a cat, but that doesn't seem to be stopping me.

**I had no intentions of making the ending sad but I did it and I apologize.**

**All of the homo**


	16. Soft Human, Warm Human

**Well here it is. The moment you've all been waiting for… THE TRANSFORMATION SHALL TAKE EFFECT!**

_**BUT FIRST I MUST TELL YOU THIS**_

**I suggest you go back to the previous chapter for I had added the scene where Dave gets his glasses from Jake. It's rather amusing, and maybe not the most important but I highly advise you read that first. This is mainly for those who already read the chapter before the update. If you're new to this story, then this isn't important. I'm sorry for the inconvenience. It's right after Jake offers to cheer Dave up.**

**Oh, right, and if anyone draws a picture of Jake in a horse mask please send me the link. I will love you forever if you draw a picture of Jake in a horse mask.**

_**YOU MAY PROCEED**_

Yesterday was quite odd, to say the least. Biscuit had been following me around and hissing at me whenever I got within a 10 foot distance from Jake. He was so clingy that he didn't even let me hang around Bro. I spent the entire day with Biscuit, not that I really minded. Biscuit chose to sleep on my chest last night. It was the cutest thing, despite me not really being the type to sleep on your back. I dealt with it and fell asleep to his purring.

Well, now it's morning and HOLY FRICK I CAN'T BREATHE. It's like Biscuit suddenly gained like eighty pounds. I suppose it isn't that bad, but not what I expected to wake up to. And why does it feel like Biscuit has no fur? Well, I feel a little fur on my neck but it feels more like silky hair than fur…

Damn, Biscuit's pretty big too… I don't want to disturb him or open my eyes. I'm not fully awake quite yet…

But then I hear a soft moan. Now I'm no biological expert, but I know that's a human moan, not a cat noise. I open my eyes and drowsily stare at the young man on top of me. Oh, it's just a naked John. I close my eyes again to sleep.

…

….

…..

Wait… WHAT?!

I open my eyes again and yep, that's John alright. Not only is he buck naked, but he's got on Biscuit's collar and his glasses crooked on his face. I wanna scream, but I don't wanna wake him up.

What the hell happened last night?! Was I drunk..? No, that can't be. I don't take any interest in drinking, not only because I'm seventeen, but I saw how miserable Bro was in his drinking days. Maybe I was drugged…? By whom, though? And where the fuck did John come from?! Where the hell is Biscuit? So many unanswered questions… It's too early for this bullshit.

I gently nudge John. He just groans and nuzzles into my chin. "Five more minutes…"

Ok, I'll admit it. I never really got over John. In fact, that raging crush had been in the back of my mind, nagging and bothering me. Wow is it hot in here or what? Hehe… John in only a collar giving me a loving nuzzle sends me straight to bonerville.

John seems to notice this, and I immediately regret choosing to wear nothing but boxers the night before. He wakes up and yawns. His breath smells all minty…

Why the fuck is his morning breath minty?

He grins at me. "You keep a weapon in your boxers every night or are you just happy to see me?"

I can't really talk properly in response. I simply stumble over my words. "Y-you're-I-What? How?!"

John chuckles. "It's a loooooooong story. I mean, if I were to write it down, it'd probably be like a fucked up fourteen chapter fanfic or something. I'm not kidding. Even if I told you, you probably wouldn't believe me."

"Try me."

"Okay, dude…"

So John tells me everything. He tells me how he became a cat because of the obnoxious trolls. He tells me about that stupid dog that brought him here. He tells me of his dreaded times in the pet shop. He tells me about how Bro brought him in, and life with us from his point of view. He tells me about the kidnapping and the Midnight Crew's goals and Bro's dairy and about Jake and about his adventures throughout the apartment. Then he explains his clingy and loving behavior in the simplest way possible:

A kiss. A deep, passionate, true kiss. I react smoothly by freezing up and widening my eyes. Yeah, that's it. I did nothing else. This is too much to process…

Too much to take in…

This is TOO MUCH! Processing this is harder than math class… I do the only thing I can do at the moment.

I faint in his arms.

Be John

Haha, well shit. That's not how it goes in the movies…

I drop Dave and look around. This is not a positive situation… First, I gotta take care of my lack of clothing. Where the fuck did they go when I turned into a cat?! I figured that they just turned into fur, but due to logical science, it isn't very possible to turn lifeless polyester into animal fur, so I figure that the clothing was burned in the process. Wow. I paid a good ten bucks for that outfit.

Looks like Dave's clothes are the only option. It's not like I've never borrowed his clothing before. In fact, I've done it several times when I visited, even if they are like two sizes bigger than my clothing. I get up off of him and get dressed in his favorite record disk shirt with the red sleeves and his skinny jeans. Those fucking jeans are still too big for me…

Now I'm pissed about how small I am...

I also put on his boxers because I would never go commando. Besides, it's Dave's underwear so I don't mind. I attempt to walk out of the room without tripping over the pant legs and successfully make it to the door. Before I can open it, Bro opens the door and slams it into my face. Ouch.

I'm seeing stars… Oh, great now my head is throbbing… Why is Bro so strong? I fall down backwards and pass out on the floor.

Be Jake

You are now Bro.

It was worth a shot.

When I opened the door, I heard a loud _THUMP_ and then saw John lying on the cold hard ground. Whoa! Whoa! Trouble, trouble, trouble.

No, I did not think of that joke until just typing it in.

Well, this is a scene to walk in on. Both John and Dave are passed out, one on the floor, the other on his bed. I keep telling myself to learn how to open doors less forcefully. This has happened way too many times…

I pick John up and carry him over my shoulder; then I do the same to Dave. I carry both of them out of the room and set them both down on top of each other on the living room couch. I walk over to the kitchen and greet Jake.

"Sup, English."

"I take it that John is human again?" Jake flips a pancake and I smirk.

"I never told you that he turned into a cat."

"Dirk, I've seen your diary."

I blink. "Wait… You saw my-"

"Yes, Dirk. I was looking for one of my guns under the bed and found it. Interesting read… In a positive way, of course!"

"You saw my diary?"

Jake chuckles and kisses my cheek. Now I'm a bit scared. I put a lot of things in there that I definitely didn't want him to see…

I hear a yawn from the living room. Then I hear a scream. With the high pitched sound, I'm guessing it's Dave. When I step back out, I confirm my answer. I'm such a fucking genius.

Be Dave

You are now Jake.

Are you serious?

Yes.

When I hear the scream, I don't bother going to check. It's most likely Dave flipping out over John being human again. I flip the pancake again and then take care of the bacon. Cooking is just so fun to me. Sometimes I start and then I just can't stop! I was going to make only pancakes, but then decided on making a full breakfast for the whole family. Isn't it John's birthday? I figure that you should make an important call. Smirking, I pick up the house phone on the kitchen counter and dial the number.

"Cheerio, Mr. Egbert! You won't believe what happened today."

Be Dad

You are now Dave.

You're not gonna listen to me ever, are you?

I've woken up and suddenly processed everything. The scream I let out is one of happiness, like a stereotypical teenage girl who got a car for her birthday. Bro walks in the living room and sits on the couch next to my feet.

"Sorry for knocking out your new boyfriend with the door." That's all he says. That's it.

I frown at him, but that frown goes away when I hear John groaning. "Ugh… What day is it?" Bro smirks. "It's April 13th."

"Oh okay…" John sighs and sits up on me. I give him this look. Bro gives him the same look. Jake peeks from behind the wall that divides the kitchen from the living room just to give John that look. John looks confused.

Realization in 3… 2… 1…

"Holy shit it's my birthday!" John says/kinda yells in a rather nonchalant tone. I grin. "Looks like those trolls gave you a pretty good birthday present. They set your humanizing date on your birthday."

John looks tempted to punch me because he knows that'd be so stupid and predictable of them. Who's running this story? Obviously someone who likes to fuck around with bad 413 jokes.

After about ten or fifteen minutes, Jake hops out of the kitchen holding like four plates with his hands, left leg, and the last one between his teeth. "Reakfasht ish ready~" He says through the edge of the plate. He actually learned how to hold them like they do on cartoons from being such a skilled waiter. He hasn't really mastered putting the plates down like that, however.

Bro sighs and takes two plates from Jake, setting them down on the table. Jake mumbles out a thanks and sets the last two down. John and I sit at the table across from each other, Bro and Jake sitting in the remaining ones. All of us dig in.

I look at John.

John winks at me and slides the fork out of his mouth.

I really didn't want another boner…

**Ok, I know it's a short chapter, but if I added in the second half, it'd be far too long. Plus, I'm lazy and just wanted to get this in. Uh… I ran out of things to say…**

**I have a headcanon that Bro is deathly afraid of popcorn. That is all.**

**All of the homo.**


	17. Family Reun-What the Fuck!

**Is the pairing name for Dirk/John called "The Fresh Prince of Bel Heir" cause if it's not I'm gonna be very angry.**

You are Jake.

After everyone's done with their meals, I put up the plates in the kitchen. Before I can go back out, the entire dining/living room flashes white, then green, then finally goes back to normal. I peek out from behind the wall to see Mr. Egbert looking rather… Well, he's definitely had better days.

There's this psychotic look in his light grey eyes, whites reddened, possibly from tears, stress, and lack of sleep. He has bald patches that show that he's been ripping out his greying hair. Bags hang under his sleep deprived eyes and overall, he just looks like a mental asylum escapee. He scans the area, probably unable to see very well from the amount of stress, worry, and depression he's been through in the past month. Damn, I feel kinda bad for not telling the poor man earlier. I watch as he makes eye contact with his son.

"J-John?"

"Hey Dad!"

There's a moment of silence until Bec makes a whimpering noise. Mr. Egbert runs up to John, kneels down to his sitting level, and hugs him. John giggles and hugs him back. "I missed you, Dad."

"I'm gonna punch you in the throat." Mr. Egbert chokes out within his sobs. I suppose that's Egbertese for "I missed you too, son. I love you and I wish you hadn't gone away like that. You're the best son a guy can have and I never want to lose you again."

"Where the fuck have you been?" He asks as soon as he lets go of John. John sighs. "You wouldn't believe me if I told you…"

Mr. Egbert doesn't really care anymore. He's just happy his son is back. John might have to explain later, but now is not the time. After a little family reunion, Mr. Egbert notices John's appearance and raises an eyebrow.

Dave's clothing…

Nervous look in his eyes…

A collar…?!

Even I can tell that Mr. Egbert has all the wrong ideas from this. He looks-no-glares over at Dave. "The fuck did you do to my son?" Mr. Egbert doesn't usually curse this much unless he's feeling extreme emotions. No doubt he is, though. The dude just reunited with his son after a full month of worry and torture.

Dave puts up his hands in defense. "Mr. Egbert, I swear I didn't do anything inappropriate to your son!"

He keeps glaring, so John decides to defend his friend. "Dad, he's right. If anything, I made advances on him…"

"Yeah John was all over _my_ dick not the other way around."

Mr. Egbert didn't really like Dave's choice of words, but he let it slide. "If you say so… John, why do you have a collar on?"

"I was their pet."

"…" Mr. Egbert looks back at Dave again. Dave sighs and John suddenly realizes his wording. "On, nononononono! Dad, I meant to say that I got turned into a cat and they took me in and cared for me."

"Really?"

"Yeah…"

"Oh. Why didn't you just tell me earlier?"

Everyone looks over at Mr. Egbert and we all say at once, "What?!"

"I just got teleported here by white, eyeless dog through green radiation from a faraway sun. What makes you think I wouldn't believe if you turned into a cat?"

John shrugs. Mr. Egbert then says. "Hey, son."

"Hmm?"

"Happy birthday."

"Thanks, Dad."

I smile a little. How endearing… A father and his son: reunited. I absolutely love the positive turn in things ever since the Striders and I killed the Midnight Crew. It's rather relaxing. Kind of like that feeling when Dirk strokes my...

Hair...

Well now everyone is all hugs and happiness until Bec barks loudly and suddenly everything around me is green, then white, and then back to normal. Well, as normal as it can be if I'm sitting inside a prison cell. The prisoner who occupies this cell stares at me and blinks. Holy shit he's ripped… I don't think I wanna mess with him. He growls at me. And it doesn't take long to figure out why. I have landed in his arms when I was teleported.

…

Gulp…

BE BRO BE BRO BE BRO BE BRO

You are now D-

*Takes out a machete*

You are now Bro.

Jesus fuck, it smells like shit! I look around the area. It's nice and sunny, grass beneath me, river beside me… Birds are chirping from a distance and monkeys and screeching nearby… The usual nice day in Texas~

Monkeys?!

I suddenly realize that I ended up in a zoo…in California…in the bear exhibit. There are children outside the glass cage-like structure pointing me out and adults heading off to go get the zookeepers to help me out.

In the meantime, the bears have caught my scent, and they haven't been fed today. Well, this is bleak.

Be Dave

Holy shit it's cold as fuck. Ain't it supposed to be spring? Oh, wait I'm just in the middle of nowhere in Canada, that makes sense.

…

Yeah, I kinda saw this coming. I stand up and begin exploring. Maybe I could find someone to ask directions back to Texas. Yeah… that'll do…

Be Dad

I am in the middle of the Amazon Rain Forest, no doubt. This is definitely not where I would've preferred to be but whatever. I look around for everyone else. No one's around… Exploring sounds like a good idea… I walk a little ways, unaware of the curious and hungry jaguar prowling behind me within the shrubbery.

Well, I am aware; I just don't really give a shit as of the moment.

Be John

Using inductive reasoning, the reader would assume that John is also in a dangerous situation that would most likely lead to death like all the others.

Fortunately for him, that is not the case.

Somehow I ended up on Jade's island. It's beautiful and sunny as always, about 8:30 am. Jade is a pretty nocturnal person, but considering her random narcoleptic attacks, her sleeping schedule is more fucked up than the average teenager in the summertime. This is an important fact because she just so happens to be wide awake. You know what else is wide?

Her eyes when I appear in front of her while she is currently dressed in nothing but her undergarments, Eridan on all fours over her in quite the same amount of clothing (minus the bra of course, plus the scarf).

Ah, what a time to appear. Bec is sitting next to me, barking proudly as if he'd helped me figure out something that's been on your mind for a while. Truth to be told, I have been wondering what Jade did with those trolls… I most certainly wasn't expecting this… Well, unless that stupid troll decided to deflower my closest cousin without her consent…

…

Oh, now I get it. The joy of reuniting with my father quickly goes away when I figure out the situation. I growl, then I glare, then I screech and pounce on the stupid troll. "GET OFF MY COUSIN YOU SICK FREAK!"

He gives me this look of genuine terror and confusion and begins begging for mercy. I lift a fist and quickly bring it down on his face. Then I land about five more hits to his face before I realize that Jade is yelling at me to stop. I stop, but pin him down by his neck, slightly choking him. "What? Should I be punching him in the dick?"

"No, John! He wasn't raping me!"

"Huh?"

"Please get off me…"

"Shut up, fish-breath!"

Jade groans and sighs. "It was totally consensual. I asked him…" She bit her lower lip. "I'm sorry, John… I fell in love with an extraterrestrial sea troll. Particularly the extraterrestrial sea troll that turned you into a cat…"

"…"

After a moment of silence, Eridan speaks.

"Oh yeah… About that cat thing… I'm really fuckin sorry about that… Are w-we cool?"

I blink and stare at Jade. Then I look at Eridan. Then I look back at Jade and point to Eridan. "Him?!"

"Yes, John."

"Why?"

She shrugs. Eridan whines for me to get off of him again. I look at him for a moment. He actually looks genuinely sorry for my transformation, but you can't bring myself to forgive him. Thinking for a moment, I wonder if it was really a bad transformation…

Sure, I had a horrible time at the pet shop, but at the Strider's? No… They were nothing but caring and loving to me, even Jake. Actually, especially Jake considering that he cooks me wonderful meals. Salmon has never tasted so good… And Bro… Bro was always considerate of my problem and frequently had interesting conversations. He even told me a few secrets about Dave… I never knew the younger Strider could be so ticklish in those certain areas… Oh, and Dave… He took special care of me, almost as if I was all he had. He always snuggled me and gave me love when I felt bad, good, bored, or perfectly content. I won't disagree if one says that I enjoyed this showering of affection a little too much. But what can I say? My most likely future significant other was petting, hugging, and kissing me willingly. That's a thing that would've taken him another thirty years to do if I was human the whole time, considering his oblivion to my love.

Now that I think about it, this transformation isn't half bad. In fact, I had the time of my life! Even at the Midnight Crew hideout… What Eridan did turns out to be a wonderful, awesome, fun-filled adventure! So, instead of forgiving him, or punching him, or getting off of him, I hug him.

I hug him and I thank him.

And he has the most confused face on the planet.

**Please excuse my shortness. I will have a part two to this later. As of now, just be happy with what you got and curiously wonder what's up with the others.**


	18. Family Reun-What the Fuck! Pt 2

**Ok, so the critics found me and this entire thing is being rewritten in first person with a few extra edits. I apologize for the inconvenience, but this update will be in first person.**

Be Jake cause I'm pretty concerned about him

It was ridiculously and so very unnecessarily difficult, but I finally took the man down. My pistol was out of bullets so I had to bash the man's skull in with it instead. Now I'm straddling and sitting over him as he trembles and whimpers. I chuckle darkly and give him a sadistic look.

"Have you learned your lesson, good sir?"

He jumps a little at the sound of your voice and nods quickly.

"Wonderful. Now you know not to bloody fuck with me."

"I'm so sorry, Mr. English I didn't mean to-"

"Shush, little one." I put a finger to his lips and smirk. He's obviously larger than me, but I have to be condescending to get this guy to listen to me.

The man was strong in battle, but I gave it my all and beat and tortured him enough to make him fear me. I also may or may not have shoved a rusty pipe up his ass, so bonus points for me.

Hey, a dude's gotta do what a dude's gotta do.

Well, now all of that's over and I take out my phone to call Dirk. The man whimpers a bit under me, so I slap him across the face to shush him. Dirk picks up the phone.

"Jake, now is a really bad time to talk!"

"Where are you?"

"I'm in-" His voice was drowned out by the loud grunt of a grizzly bear.

"Are you in the forest?!"

"Can't talk right now. Bears think I'm a delicious snack. Goodbye Jake!"

He hangs up on me. Well, this went from victorious to worrisome in .5 seconds…

BE BRO BE BRO BE BRO

We can't be Bro because Bro is too busy being attacked…

With love.

These bears have been born into domestication and they know better than to eat a human. In fact, they love humans. I chuckle a little as the bears smother me in lovable nuzzles and snuggles. One of them even licks my face. Its breath smells like fish but I don't fuckin care. The people watching just assume I'm a zookeeper and just stare at us, entertained greatly by the cuteness.

I'm actually quite sad when a zookeeper comes in to get me outta the cage. I bid farewell to Sweetie, Honey, and Cuddlebuns, for that is what I named them.

Don't judge me. They are my precious babies.

How's Dave doing?

Quite well, actually. I managed to find a small cabin for shelter. A nice lady named Ms. Paint allowed me inside for some hot tea and blankets in front of her fireplace. With her is a man named Doctor Scratch. I find their names a little odd, but they're incredibly kind. In fact, they are excellent hosts. Doctor Scratch shared some of his candy with me and Ms. Paint handed me a bowl of soup. I'm not sure why I trusted strangers that invited me inside and offered me candy, but I did. (A/N: Please don't take candy or food from strangers if you can. But if you're freezing and starving out there, then desperate times call for desperate measures. Please take caution with such a situation. Strangers can be friendly, but also dangerous. You already know this, but I don't want to be responsible for any of you going "missing")

So far I haven't passed out from poison and Ms. Paint isn't stuffing me to the point where I'm plump and tender enough for eating. In fact, I'm a little too skinny for my own good, but I'm not anorexic. I'm just a little boney, that's all.

No, not wimpy. Boney. There's a fucking difference.

As I take another sip of tea and stare at the fireplace (they don't have a TV wtf at least have a computer or Wi-Fi why don't they have that? Fuckin Canadians). They're so nice, though. Doctor Scratch sits down next to me with a smile. "How did you get lost?"

"A stupid dog teleported me here."

Doctor Scratch stares at me for a moment. Then I chuckle. "It's a-"

"Long story?"

"Yeah…"

"I understand, Dave. You won't be seeing your friends for a while. Care for a ride home? Or will you stay here and wait?"

Wait a minute… I never told him my name…

"That'd be perfect. But you don't have to take me home. I'll manage…"

"No you won't."

"But-"

"There are three alternate endings to this if you plan on going alone. One is that you will take a plane flight. That particular plane will crash, you likely injured but not quite dead. You try walking and hitchhiking. You either freeze to death or get hit by a car. Then there's the third option. You wait. The dog will come back and transport you to an island. You will safely reunite with your friends, brother, and John."

You stare at him with a face of terror. "How do you-"

"Would you like some more candy?"

"I-"

"I think you need some more. I heard you like apple juice. We have some of that if you want."

"What is-"

"Your brother and his boyfriend are going to get married in six months."

"Mister-"

"You and John are going to fuck each other in the kitchen in those particular six months."

"…"

"I'm telling the truth." He grins at me with green eyes that seem to glow in the dim lighting of the fire. I gulp a little, and then Ms. Paint comes to save the day.

"Scratch, you're terrifying the poor child!" She sits next to me and sighs. "I apologize for him. He has a knack for knowing a little too much for his own good." I look at her, asking to explain a little further. She talks no more and takes a sip of tea. I'm a little shaken up and afraid, but I figure that taking another sip of tea and waiting will be the best choice, like the man said. He could be right, considering the fact that everything else he said was…

Wait what happened to Dad

I run.

I run as fast as my legs can carry me.

Which isn't very fast in this kind of ground…

I trip over a large vine, which grips onto my ankle. Oh, that's predictable. The jaguar immediately jumps on top of me, ready for its next meal. I refuse to show fear, however. Instead, I'm gonna die with dignity. That's right. I got 99 problems and a jaguar ain't one.

It opens its mouth so it can rip my throat out. However, its mouth simply freezes like that, its eyes incredibly wide. It collapses on top of me, bleeding all over my favorite shirt. I'm unsure of the source of the blood flow... And then I understand.

An arrow is pierced straight through its neck. After pushing the big cat off of me, I quickly look around for my savior. I make eye contact with someone in the bushes. Then the two of us have a staring contest… Suddenly, the creature jumps out of the bushes and tackles me back to the ground. I finally process the other as a girl from her appearance, but definitely not human…

"Hello furriend! You had yourself in a fuzzy little purroblem didn't you? Hehehe! No worries, I don't bite!"

I have no words for this girl. What the fuck is on her head?! Is that a blue cat hat? Are those horns? Why is her skin so grey?! I wanna ask her all these questions, but before I get a chance to talk, another weird horned thing comes out from the bushes and holy shit that guy is huge. Those muscles… Damn, dude you need to tone down on the body building. He's holding a bow and a quiver, although the bow is broken. I assume that, with that dude's strength, he probably just threw the arrow at the jaguar.

"Nepeta… Please remove yourself from that human lowblood… I command you…"

Wow he talks funny…

The girl, most likely named Nepeta, obliges and pouts. I sit up and stare at them as they have their own little conversation.

"But _Equius_…"

"That man does not need to be attacked a second time. As you can see, he isn't very STRONG!" He shouts out the word "strong", scaring a few critters away. After a bit more talking, they finally acknowledge me. Equius then says, "Lowblood, would you mind telling us your name."

"Yes."

They stare at me for a moment. Then he tries again. "I command you to tell me your name, good sir!"

"No." I'm not sure why I'm being so stubborn. Possibly because I don't really like them…

Finally, Nepeta gives it a go. "Please, sir. What should we call you?"

"You may call me Mr. Egbert. I don't find this information very important for you, considering the fact that I must take my leave. I need to find a way out of this ridiculous forest…"

Nepeta's face brightened up. "We can help you out! Right, Equius?"

Equius growls a little. I look at them. "Really? Then help me out of here!"

Suddenly, Equius began to sweat. A lot… "Is… Is that a command?"

…

I'm not sure how to respond, so I glance at Nepeta, then to Equius. "Um… Yes?"

In a flash, he's carrying both me and Nepeta over his shoulders and running at hyper speed through the forest. I look at Nepeta for explanation as he runs. She simply shrugs at me and begins cheering him on.

Of course I ended up with the two weirdest beings on the planet.

Be John

Everything is sorted out now. I approve of Eridan and Jade being together, Jade got the collar off of me (I couldn't figure out how to remove the thing… Don't look at me like that! I'm not stupid I just… Don't know how to do certain things…), and Eridan gave me back my clothes. I keep on Dave's clothes, however, just because they're extremely comfortable. And they smell like him…

Is that weird?

All of us are now sitting in the grass, eating a tray of cookies that Jade baked. She was nice enough not to use Betty Crocker brand cookies for my sake. The three of us are basically having a small birthday party. I'm not extremely happy with it, though. Eridan notices this.

"Is there somethin w-wrong, John?"

"No, no it's fine."

"That bad, huh? Maybe I could help!"

"Well, I just wish the rest of my friends were here, like Dad and Rose and Jake and the Striders…"

"Oh? That's all? Pfft, I can help you w-with that."

He whistles and Bec appears in front of us. He winks at me. "Jade had been training Bec to like me and obey my orders. Watch this. Bec."

"?"

"Fetch."

"Bark!"

And like the wind, Bec is gone.

**Okay, so Bec has no idea where the direct locations of everyone could be, so there might be a problem here. I don't know, this fic was gonna end at this chapter but I feel like something's missing so yay more chapters! Also, all of the trolls are alive. Eridan just assumed they died from what he had seen and heard. It's pretty complicated and will probably be explained later on.**

**The whole first-person thing is still in progress, but I'll eventually get it done. God why is that a rule? I think reader interaction makes things much more entertaining to read but whatever.**

**All of the homo.**


	19. Bec: FETCH

**(Sorry about posting the smae chapter twice I'm a little sleep deprived and stressed because I had a bad day. Enjoy!)**

**This is still in progress of rewriting but I got bored of that so here's a new chapter! Here's a new twist and surprise chapter. Didn't think you'd be this character, eh?**

Bark bark! Hi! I'm Becquerel, but most people call me Bec. I am a dog I think. I'm not so sure. That's what most identify me as, so I guess I am one! My owner/best friend is named Jade. Jade gives me love and food so I protect her and help her in return. I think that's a solid relationship! She also always says that I am a good dog, best friend! I like those words, so I try to do good things and make her say it as much as possible!

Well, a while ago she said "Bad dog! You weren't supposed to separate everyone like that!" And now I feel pretty bad. But then my new friend, Eridan said it was okay and if I went to get them I'll get a treat! So I do my teleporty thing, starting with Mr. Strider.

I am at a zoo, I think. Is that what it's called? A zoo? Either way, I am at the correct location. Everyone is staring at me and taking pictures and I don't know why… Is it because I look like I don't have eyes? Is it the white fur? Oh, it must be the fact that I just suddenly appeared here. I walk a little ways until I eventually find who I'm looking for. He's at the bird cages, especially fascinated by this one little orange bird. I may be a dog, but I can see human colors because I'm special. Isn't that nice?

When Mr. Strider sees me, he chuckles and pets me. I love being petted… It's like awesomeness for my fur.

"Hey, Bec! I didn't think you'd come back for me. What is it, boy?"

I bark. He nods. "Jade's island? Alright cool, let's go lil buddy."

How did he know? Hehehe, the dude's like a mind reader or something. Bark!

I teleport him next to Uncle John. John is also really nice to me and gives me belly rubs. John is a good person, but for some reason he was pretty scared of me lately. Mr. Strider gives me a thumbs up and then says, "Hey, could you possibly fetch Jake for me?"

Fetch? FETCH!

I yap happily and go look for Mr. English. I really like Mr. English because he gives me awesome food! He's a really good guy and talks kinda funny…

Turns out he's in a cage. Oh my god, I _hate_ cages! I'm coming for you, Mr. English! I transport myself inside the cage.

He's sharing a cage with one other human. The other human looks a little pale and scared… I wonder why… Oh well, Mr. English is smiling at me and calling me a good doggy so everything's fine! He asks me if I'm here to bring him home and I bark happily, taking him home. He looks incredibly grateful and pats my head, saying that he owes me one. He then goes to hug Mr. Strider. I find it adorable how close they are. They're mates I think. Will they get offspring though?

So many questions, so little time! John looks really sad. I walk up to him and nuzzle him. He screams and backs away from me, obviously afraid. He reeks the smell of fear. He also reeks of cat hair, but I know better than to attack him for being around those wretched creatures. He looks kinda lonely… Maybe he misses his dad and mate? I think they're mates because they always do things together… Will they have offspring?

I don't have time for these questions. Instead, I have to make John happy. John always makes me happy so it's best I return the favor, right? I hope he likes my present…

Since he really loves his daddy, I go to get him first. The rainforest is a big place, but I know how to get pretty close to him. I can't get his coordinates because he's moving ridiculously fast. That means I gotta get ahead of him, so that's exactly what I do.

The next thing I know, some troll is tripping over me and everyone's tumbling down. Don't worry, I'm okay! I sniff the trolls that are in the pile. I'm not sure how it worked out this way, but Mr. Egbert has the misfortune of being at the bottom of the pile. The smallest one, a girl, takes one look at me and jumps, hissing loudly. I growl back at her because she smells like cat nip, hairballs, and blood. Gross…

The biggest of the trio stands up, getting off of poor Mr. Egbert. He looks at me and the girl and immediately stands between us. Mr. Egbert isn't standing up…

"Okay… Before we make any…rash decisions, let's not." The big guy says. The girl spits at me. That's it. I'm filled with rage! IT'S ON, YOU STUPID CAT!

I pounce at her and she dodges, immediately climbing up a tree. Coward! Get back down here this instant!

She refuses to get down, so I teleport next to her on the tree to attack. She scratches my face violently and jumps back down onto Mr. Egbert's stomach. Mr. Egbert grunts in pain and sits up, looking around with the most confused facial expression possible. I jump down from the tree and gracefully flop down on my stomach. This is why I hate cats. They're so agile and I'm the clumsiest animal in existence…

I play it cool, quickly getting up and running over to Mr. Egbert. My powers aren't fully in my control, so instead of just bringing Mr. Egbert home, I accidentally bring cat girl and big guy. Eridan is shocked, but John is too busy hugging his dad to care about them. He doesn't look at me or say "Good dog" so I'm assuming that I didn't do the job all the way.

I don't have time to watch this stupid family reunion. I have a boyfriend to catch!

Pfft, not my boyfriend I don't have a boyfriend. I was talking about sunglasses dude-I'm not hunting for any mates I mean seriously. Dave? Hehe, no.

FOR NARNIA!

Sadly, I'm not in Narnia. I'm in Canada. A violent snowstorm has started a while ago, still going strong. Well, fuck… Now I can't get any satellite connection to find Dave's coordinates. Damn, I may be a dog whose blood can reach temperatures of 8,000 Celsius, but I still hate the cold. As I internally heat myself up, I start walking, trying my best to follow Dave's scent.

This is gonna be a long afternoon…

Be Dave

After being genuinely creeped out, I snuck back into this room that looks pretty safe and locked the door. Dr. Scratch can tell me my entire life story, and by my entire life story I don't just mean up until now. I mean until I die…

He said that my death will be pretty brutal, but at a fairly old age. He told me to live life at its fullest.

What the fuck does he mean by _fairly old_?!

Scared to death, I'm hidden in the bathroom. I'd go in the guest room but there's no lock there. I go up to the sink and wash my face off. Today is just not my day. First, I pass out like the smooth little fuck I am, missing one of the best moments of my life. Then, that fucking dog decides that it should _separate_ me from my new boyfriend. And now I'm trapped in a cabin with two total creeps (probably cannibals) in the middle of nowhere in Northern Canada during a fucking _**SNOWSTORM**_.

There's no hope for me. That dumb dog has already lead me to my death. Congradu-fucking-lations, Bec. You killed me. It was possibly the best day ever, and you thought it'd be funny to just teleport me to fucking Canada. Thanks.

I hope you're fucking happy.

Before another complaint crosses my mind, I hear a knock at the door. Among first instinct, I'd usually grab my sword and ready myself for attack. Well, that's just at home because Bro is an asshole. Since I'm not home, I do the total opposite and just jump ten feet in the air, land on my feet just to slip on some water (probably melted snow that somehow leaked into the cabin), hit my head against the sink, and fall into the toilet. Turns out Dr. Scratch likes to leave the toilet seat up… He probably knew I'd lock myself in here and get scared shitless so he left it up just to piss me off.

"Knock, knock David~"

Oh ok it's just Ms. Paint. I still don't trust her…

"Look, I'm incredibly sorry about him. I already told you that he knows too much for his own good. He means no harm; he just loves to talk."

I don't respond to her. These two have got to be secretly evil or some shit because they're disturbingly nice to me. Please Bec, I'm begging you to come here and save me from this MADNESS!

Of course, my silent cry of help wasn't heard. Damn, when did I get so cold?

"Dave? Mr. Scratch turned off the heat in the bathroom. I suggest you come out here before you freeze."

That fucking asshole!

He turned off the heat, huh? Well this dude's got another thing coming for him… I'm staying here, dude. Apparently not because the door knob started wriggling a bit until-

_**POP**_

It flies outta the fucking door. Oh god everything is terrible… Ms. Paint opens the door and smiles. "There we go… Good and gone, sweetie! Oh dear…."

She looks down at my wet pants and I laugh nervously. "I fell in the toilet…. You see, I got pretty scared and-"

"We need to get those pants off of you!"

"What no"

She drags me out of the bathroom and sits me down on the carpet next to Dr. Scratch. "I'll be right back!"

"Wait don't leave me with-"

"Hello David. I see you had a nice…trip in the bathroom!" He chuckles a little at his own joke. I scoot away from him a little and growl. When is that stupid dog coming like he promised. Dr. Scratch smiles at me a bit and suddenly he's got me pinned to the ground. "Let's get those pants off."

"Let's not!"

He laughs pushes a finger into my shoulder, paralyzing me with a pressure point. Damn, Bro used to do this all the time… But it was when I had sleeping problems and couldn't stop trembling when I had too much energy in me.

This is different. Doc Scratch smiles and unbuttons my pants. All I could do was yell at him to stop and growl out various profanities. He ignores me and removes my underwear too. Oh my god I feel so violated… Why? Why is this happening to me?

Dr. Scratch's smile transforms into a grin as he…

…stands up and dusts himself off. "There. I'm only here to help."

What a weird ass way to help…

Ms. Paint shows up again with a fresh pair of pants and a friendly smirk. "Ah, Mr. Scratch, you need to stop being such a creep! You're scaring this poor child!"

"But it's so fun! You should've seen the look on his face!"

Ms. Paint sighs, and just as she's about to hand me my new pants, Bec decides to show up. He barks and pounces on me, licking my face. "Ah, I missed you too, Bec! P-please get off-"

He barks and all so suddenly, the entire area turns white. No wait my pants-

Too late. I'm at Jade's island. Everyone is staring at me… Bro starts laughing. John and Jade blush, Jade looking away, John staring. Jake has no reaction whatsoever and there's this weird horned dude that's looking at me weirdly. There are two others, the large one covering the little girl's eyes with one hand.

"So that's w-what a human bulge looks like? Lame…"

"Dave, oh my god… Where are your pants?" John tries to look me in the eyes. I can tell that he's having a hard time with that. I look around a bit before pulling down my shirt and blushing. "S-STOP LOOKING AT ME!"

John giggles and walks up to me. "You're cute." He kisses the top of my head. I try not to faint again…

I failed…

**Sorry about the simpler writing style in the beginning. I was trying to write through the head of a semi-intelligent dog and that's pretty hard. All of the Bec headcanons. All of them.**

**Next chapter is the last chapter. I had this cool idea for the actual last chapter but now that everything's in first person, my cool idea will be shortened and put in the author's note. Don't worry, I'll make it work.**

**Other than that, goodbye for now!**


	20. This is Not the End, But the Beginning

**Well, this is it. This is the last chapter.**

**Before you start reading, I just want you to know that everything will be like the webcomic, but with obvious changes such as age and familiarity with the trolls. You'll understand at the end of the chapter.**

**I'm gonna miss you guys. Enjoy~**

Begin Homosuck

A young man stands in his bedroom. It just so happens that today, the 13th of April, is this young man's birthday.

That young man is particularly me.

Wow, a full year… It's been a full year since I've been turned into a cat. A full year since Dave and I started dating… A full year since…since…_everything._

Bro and Jake got married about six months ago. They went up to Washington with me and Dad. Dave was the best man, but at least _I_ was the ring bearer. Nepeta, the little troll girl I got to know, was the flower girl.

Speaking of trolls, we've been coming across some on the internet... Curious... Also, we haven't Eridan and Feferi in a while... Unfortunately for Jade.

Another fun thing that happened-about eight months ago-I finally kissed Dave without him passing out on me. Then we…took it a few steps further…on the kitchen counter… Dad walked in on us, saying he didn't care as long as we thoroughly clean it five times over when we're done.

Worth it.

Somehow, I remember being a cat as if it just happened five minutes ago. I'd say yesterday, but I have terrible memory of yesterday. So five minutes ago it is.

Jade had no clean pants for him to borrow, so he was forced to wear a skirt for the rest of the day. He fussed about just getting Bec to fetch some pants but we honestly just wanted to embarrass him further. He can pull off a skirt pretty well!

Things were seriously looking up for us! No more antics, cat problems, or near death of friends. It felt pretty good. Not having to deal with all that bullshit and instead just living happy lives. However, this isn't the end-no it's far from the end. There's this awesome new-

_BEEP BEEP_

I check my laptop to see that Dave messaged me.

**turntechGodhead began pestering ectoBiologist**

TG: john

TG: john

TG: john

TG: john

EB: what

TG: john

TG: oh hey there sweet stuff

EB: dave what do you want?

TG: did you get the beta release of sburb yet

EB: not yet.

EB: i think it came in the mail though.

EB: i just gotta get it from dad

TG: well hurry up rose already got hers

TG: what about jade

EB: shes sleeping.

TG: typical

TG: well tell me when you get it ok

EB: i will

**ectoBiologist ceased being pestered turntechGodhead**

I stand up from the computer desk to look out the window. This game sounds like a lot of fun, but it also has this suspiciously dangerous feel to it. It feels like this leads to a whole other adventure. Not that I mind, though. Out the window, the streets are empty-birds aren't even chirping… Ah, sunny days and blue skies… Pretty rare up here in Washington, but it's springtime. Everything is incredibly beautiful, if I must say. Also pretty rare in this wretched neighborhood.

I have a feeling it's gonna be a long day.

**Be the reader**

**You are now the reader, otherwise known as yourself-your wonderful, kind, intelligent self. As you know, this story comes to an end, like everything else. It was fun while it lasted, but it looks like the fun is over. However, when one thing ends, another will begin-possibly even twice as good. You just have to find that start of something new. Don't worry. While I still don't understand how you like this fic this much, I appreciate everyone who read, reviewed, followed, favorited, and even bothered to glance at it. You think about this story for a while… For some reason, the words "You are Dave Strider and you are currently waiting for Bro to return from… whatever the fuck he does." got you hooked. Well, if you're an old reader, of course. Despite the critics, the typos, the editing, and the pain in my fingers, I had a lot of fun with you guys and loved writing this story.**

**Thank you.**


End file.
